


Soundtrack of Our Lives

by NanPan86



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:35:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27699062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanPan86/pseuds/NanPan86
Summary: Two people, struggling in their own way...Fate consistently bringing them together. Do they fight it? Would it matter if they tried? UPSTEADALTERNATE ENDING ADDED
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 125
Kudos: 202





	1. Chapter 1

_This story is slightly AU. They're still police though..._

_Each chapter will represent a song...hopefully. If you've read any of my other work, you know music plays a part in them and I want to see if I can use the premise of the song to write the story. I'm also looking for some additional songs for later chapters...can be any genre...just looking for songs that I might not think of. Thanks~Nan_

**_Song: Learning to Live Again by Garth Brooks_ **

* * *

_ 8:25pm... _ Still enough to back out if he wants to. His brother Will and fiancé Maura were meeting him at a new bar downtown at 9. It’s not that he wants to cancel...not really. He likes being able to spend time with his brother, and Maura is pretty great too. 

What’s got him second guessing tonight is the fact that he’s going to have to sit and make small talk with Maura’s friend. He should have just said no when she suggested he meet them for drinks. He’d honestly just run out of excuses to not go and Will and Maura had both been exstatic he’d agreed.

_ “It’s time, Jay.”  _ That’s what everyone keeps telling him. Like they know what’s best for him. It used to drive him crazy...after it happened. Now, he just sort of smiles and nods when people give him advice. He never listens to what they say.

He’s already planned out how this night is going to go. He’s going to be polite, but he’s going to make sure he doesn’t give whoever this ‘friend’ is, the idea that he’s after more. He’ll have one drink. Maybe sip at it for a half hour...an hour max, and then he’ll go. It’ll buy him a couple of months at least until he has to do this again.

* * *

The bar is already crowded when Jay makes his way inside. A quick stop to grab a drink from the counter, and then he’s headed outside to find Will and Maura.

“Jay!” Jay turns and catches Maura waving excitedly near the corner of a small dance floor they have set up. 

“Hey. This place is...nice.” He hugs Maura and then Will before he looks around the table again.

“She isn’t here yet.” Maura knows Jay probably hates when she drags him along to meet people who she thinks would be a good match for him. She just doesn’t like to see him alone. “She’s running late, but she said she’ll be here soon.” She gives him a smirk, knowing he was probably trying to cut out as soon as he could.

By the time her friend arrives, Jay is already on his second drink. It’s nearly 10pm now and he wonders what could possibly have held her up for an hour. He watches as Maura rushes towards her and hugs her tightly. He still can’t really see her face, but she’s got wavy blonde hair...a lot of it. Maura must say something to her, because she nods and then they are both walking towards him.

_ Here we go again. _

“Jay, this is Hailey.” Maura introduces them and for a second, Jay is caught speechless. He doesn’t think he has ever seen eyes this blue...and the way they seem to sparkle when she smiles at him has a feeling settling in his chest that he hasn’t felt in longer than he can remember.

“Nice to meet...shit.” He had reached his hand out to her but he knocked over his fresh beer in the process and he can only look on in absolute horror as the liquid splashes off the table and right onto Hailey’s shirt.

“Oh my God...I’m so sorry. Here...let me…” He’s pressing napkins against her stomach where the beer drenched her shirt before he even realizes what he’s doing.

“It’s okay.” It comes out as one of those nervous laughs. “Stop.” Hailey tries to get his hands off her. Just as he is about to press the napkins to her chest, he seems to finally realize what he’s doing. 

“Jeez Jay…” Will laughs, trying to get Jay to relax some. He can see the nerves all over his face, which is odd. His brother doesn’t get nervous.  _ Interesting. _

“Well...now that anyone who wants to look can see right through my shirt...Maur, happen to have a spare I can borrow?” She’s not really mad. It’s kind of funny actually, and right on course for how this day had been.

“Here. Take this.” Jay shrugs out of his button up and hands it over to Hailey. “I really am sorry.” Their fingers brush as she reaches for his shirt and she thanks him, quickly slipping her arms through the sleeves.

“Right, well...I am gonna go get us another round. Don’t worry, Hailey. I‘ll tell them to put my brothers in a kids cup.” As expected, everyone laughs and then Will asks Maura to come help him.

“Subtle…” Jay shakes his head after his brother clears out. He cannot believe what he just did. At least she hadn’t just left.

“So...when you aren’t busy throwing drinks at women you’ve just met, what do you do, Jay?” She’s just finished buttoning the middle two bottons and looks up at him. 

There’s that smile again and he wonders if it’s actually possible to get lost in someone’s eyes. Thankfully he remembers that she is waiting for an answer and he hurries to tell her that he’s a cop.

“Detective actually. I’m in the Intelligence Unit over at the 21st.” He’s not sure how much Maura told her about him, so he tries to be forthcoming with information without going on about it.

“Right...Maur did tell me that. I’m a cop too. 16th...just sat for the Detectives Exam.” She says it and can’t help the shiver that passes through her when she mentions the exam. It had been absolutely brutal.

Somehow talking to her feels natural and not at all forced like he thought it would. She’s funny and quick with her humor and he still can’t believe she stuck around after the whole drink fiasco. They’ve already been here for over an hour when Jay finally checks his watch.

This could be a girl he sees himself falling for...if he let himself. Which he won’t...at least he is pretty sure he won’t. He isn’t ready. 

“Is that a wedding band?” Hailey had seen the chain he had around his neck earlier when he gave her his shirt, but only now did she see it had rings on it. It looked like two wedding bands and an engagement ring. She barely finishes the sentence when Maura kicks her sharply in the shin.

“What the hell Maura?” She’s got pointy toe boots on and that really hurt. She’s rubbing at her shin when it suddenly hits her. Why Maura would kick her like that. 

His wife died.

Jay turns his head to look at the crowd but doesn’t speak. This is why he hates to do this. With or without the rings, the question inevitably comes up. 

“I’m sorry…” She wishes the floor would open up and swallow her. The only thing Maura told her aside from him being a cop was that he was a widower. “ _ Just don’t talk about it.”  _ That’s what Maur had told her. His wife had died in a car accident almost two years ago.  _ How could she bring that up? _

“Sorry that you asked...or sorry that she’s dead.” The question is meant for Hailey, but he’s glaring over at Maura and Will. Why they think they can tell others his personal story...he’ll never know.

“Jay I…” Maura and Hailey both speak at the same time, but he stops them both. He really isn’t mad...not at Hailey for asking, anyway. Even though two years have passed since he lost her, the weight of that grief hasn’t left him. It’s as though she just died every time someone brings her up.

“I’m gonna grab another beer. This one's warm. Anyone else?” He needs a moment to get his thoughts back in order and after a second with no response, he basically runs back to the bar.

He stays at the bar longer than it would normally take to order a couple beers, and when Hailey finds him 15 minutes later, he’s just about to do a shot. She touches his arm just in time to stop him and she flags the bartender down.

“Can we get another one of these?” She doesn’t look at Jay yet, just waits, looking at the cash in her hands as the bartender pours the shots. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Thanks…” Hailey pays for the shots and slides the glass in front of her. “Shots are always better when you do them with someone.” She raises her shot glass out to him, but he doesn’t move.

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wanted to be alone?” There’s no anger in his tone, it’s just flat...a dry statement.

“Yeah...It did. I gave you 15 minutes for yourself and now I’m here.” Her hand never lowers the glass and she keeps her eyes on his profile. “I’m sorry that Maura told me something that wasn’t hers to tell. And I’m sorry I brought it up at all tonight.” 

Having said what she wanted to say, she makes to take the shot but he stops her this time. His fingers wrap around the small glass and he clinks it against hers before he lifts it to his mouth.

They both hiss at the burn and then he’s laughing at her when she gags.

“Here.” He pushes the taller glass of his in front of her and tells her it’s a Coke.

“Definitely thought that was going to be whiskey...ugh...I hate bourbon.” She lifts his Coke once again and drains the rest of it. “Yeah...you should have done that one by yourself after all.” She only glares at him when he continues to laugh at her.

“You’re not at all what I expected you to be.” Jay’s smile is only partially hidden behind the fresh glass of Coke the bartender set in front of them.

“What were you expecting?” Hailey isn’t sure if that’s a compliment or not.

“Just...not you.” His hand rubs the back of his neck and he wishes there was a better answer to give her. Most of the women his brother and Maura try to set him up with are a lot like Lena, his wife. They are all well mannered and extremely polished...Country Club people. They’d never have arrived an hour late and they definitely would not have reacted to having a drink spilled on them the way Hailey did. She’s like no one he’s ever met before. If he were in the market for a potential girlfriend, she’d be it.

“Look...I don’t want to put more of a damper on the night, but I feel like I should tell you now that I’m not looking for anything right now. I’m uh...I’m only here so they stop trying to set me up for a bit.” She seems like a really nice person, but he doesn’t want to give her the wrong idea.

“Who says I’m looking for something?” She pushes up the sleeves of his shirt that keep falling down her arms and grins slyly at him. “I was promised free drinks and was told you were pretty easy on the eyes.” She pats him on the chest, as if she’s jokingly telling him he never stood a chance and then she walks towards the outside area.

“Dance with me?” She calls it over her shoulder and is more than a little surprised to find him following her already.

“Uhh…” The last time he danced, Lena had been smiling back at him on their wedding day. 

“Come on...just one…and then I’m probably calling it a night.” She takes his hand in hers and leads him to the small dance floor. Like they were in a movie or something, the song changes at that exact moment to something slower and she lifts their joined hands and places her other hand on his shoulder.

Jay is momentarily stunned. She still has that smile on her face, only this one is more coy...like she’s testing him. Any reason for him not to be doing this flies from his mind and he sets his right hand on her waist. They start to sway to the music and all Jay can think is that  _ this is nice. _

At first, it was just them and a handful of other dancers on the floor, but at the sudden opportunity to have a body pressed against another, more and more couples joined until it’s so crowded that Jay had to pull Hailey in tight to avoid getting bumped by the others.

_ She’s so fucking tiny. _ She’s got a personality that is just...huge, and her height, or lack of, is easily overlooked. But here...in his arms, he’s reminded how small she actually is. Lena had been tall. Only an inch shorter than he was. Her head had always fit perfectly right next to his. Hailey’s head barely reaches his shoulders...maybe his armpit. Her head isn’t touching him, but it’s less than an inch from his chest, directly over his heart and he wonders if she can tell how nervous he is from the erratic way it’s beating.

When the song ends, it takes Jay a moment to realize his slow movements no longer match the music and he drops his arms, stepping back from her, slightly embarrassed.

“Hey, you guys want another round?” Will interrupts whatever was happening between them and stands there looking at both of them. Hailey watches as his eyes go from Jay to her and back to Jay as a knowing grin forms on his face. 

“None for me. I’m...gonna head out.” She hurries to speak before Will says something that will probably make everyone a little uncomfortable and she walks away to the table.

“Dude...you’re doing so good!” Will slaps Jay loudly on the back. 

“Shut up, man.” He declines the offer for drinks and gets to the table just in time to hear the tail end of Maura and Hailey’s conversation.

“Absolutely not...Will and I will drive you home. You are not walking.” Maura was always going to be the one driving home tonight so she’d purposefully only had one drink early on and had been sipping an iced tea since then.

“I am fine to walk. Honestly. Stay and have fun.” She slips her purse over her shoulder and turns to leave, bumping squarely into the solid chest of Jay.

“Oh...Jay can walk you home, right?” Maura had watched the night unfold and despite a few bumps in the road, the two seemed to have hit it off. She’s not above using any opportunity to push them together.

“Maur…” Hailey looks at her friend, completely exasperated. “It’s like 5 blocks. It’s fine.” 

“No...I’ll walk you.” It comes out a lot harder than he intended, but for whatever reason, the thought of her walking home alone just doesn’t sit right with him. “It’ll give me some more time to sober up anyway.” He makes sure to keep his voice much more relaxed this time and even manages to give her a smile.

“Fine…that’s...unnecessary but appreciated.” 

They make quick work of their goodbyes and then Jay is walking beside Hailey away from the noise of the bar.

“I really can manage on my own. Been doing it for most of my life.” 

“You’ve been alone most of your life?” Something about the way she said that last part told him that it was likely the truth. 

“Yeah...well, everyone’s got their secrets and their own baggage.” She could be mad that he tried to ask her something so personal, but then...she’d done the same thing earlier. “I just don’t have people that only want to look out for me...that only want the best for me.” 

The sad smile that she gives him makes him feel like shit. He should have just kept that to himself. They make the rest of the walk in silence.

“This is me.” She turns up the sidewalk and stops on the small porch outside her front door. Her fingers move over the button of his shirt and she thanks him again for letting her borrow it.

With her up on the step, she’s almost perfectly at eye level with him. The porch light is shining and frames her head just right that it looks like there’s a golden halo around her hair.  _ Angel… _

“Tonight was...I had a good time tonight, Hailey.” He leans in without thinking and his lips brush softly against her cheek. “Thank you.” 

Her eyes close when his words whisper against her ear and she knows he definitely saw the way she shivered. 

“It was really nice to meet you. Goodnight, Jay.” She wishes things were different. She wasn’t lying before about baggage and secrets. Now is not a good time to start something.

“See you…” He suddenly wishes that he  _ could  _ see her again and he’s fairly certain that if he asked her, she might actually say yes. Before he can say anything though, she enters her flat and leaves Jay standing alone outside. 

* * *

It’s not until he is sitting in his truck back at the bar that the shaking starts. The tears are next and it feels like he can’t breathe. He’d laughed and danced with someone for the first time since his wife died.  _ Is it supposed to feel like this? Like I’m cheating on you? _

This right here...this is why he has no desire to get back out there. He’s had everything with Lena and all he knows is that he won’t find that kind of love again and with this guilt coursing through his body, he doesn’t even want to try.

  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I scrapped the 'each chapter follows a song' thing. It started stressing me out. But I'll still tell you the song I originally planned for each chapter.
> 
> Song: It's Getting Better all the Time by Brooks and Dunn
> 
> Thank you for all the great reviews. I love to hear what you think~Nan

Hailey’s foot taps impatiently against the ground as she waits for her partner to pick her up. She’s actually got a real partner now. It’s still hard to wrap her head around. When she sat for the Detectives Exam in July, she had hoped to pass on the first try, but she’d prepared herself to need to take it again also. It was easily the most difficult test she’s ever taken. When she passed, much to her surprise, she’d been grabbed immediately by Robbery/Homicide. 

She’s still getting used to being called to scenes at all hours of the day and night. This morning, they got called to a scene just north of her apartment, but her cars in the shop. Thankfully, her partner has to drive past her place to get there. She told him to pick her up at the coffee shop around the corner, and she’s waiting on the sidewalk with two coffees.

“Ellie, help your brother. Don’t let him spill the hot chocolate.” A young mother and her two kids exit the shop and pile into a dark green minivan with stickers all over the back window. Hailey steps aside and smiles at the smallest of the kids, a little boy of maybe 4 or 5. 

A car horn beeps and Hailey looks away from the little boy to see her partner Chris waiting. 

“Thanks.” She hands the coffee to him and then buckles. They are on the way in less than a minute. The scene isn’t very far and Chris uses the short drive to fill her on what he knows.

“Woah!” Chris veers the car sharply to the right, narrowly avoiding a ladder that fell into the street from a construction truck in front of them. The car behind them wasn’t so lucky. When they moved to the side of the road, the car behind kept driving. It swerves at the last second but still hits the ladder. The driver over corrects and speeds wildly across the lanes, somehow avoiding hitting any of the cars traveling back into the city. The last thing Hailey sees is the heavily stickered windows of the dark green minivan from the coffee shop before it careens down the embankment and into the river below.

“What the hell are you doing?” Chris barely managed to get the car in park before Hailey was sprinting across the road.

“There’s kids in there!” She sheds her jacket as she runs. “5016 Walker, Requesting backup to South Doty Avenue at Gull Island.” She can hear Chris give more details and then she’s tossing her radio and diving into the frigid waters of the Calumet River.

The water is only about 12 feet here but it is murky and the sunlight barely reaches the submerged van. By some miracle, the front passenger window is broken out and Hailey is able to swim through. Her lungs are burning and if she just finds a body, she can pull it out with her and get a breath before she comes back down. 

“MOM!” Hailey pops up over the first row and thankfully, into a small air pocket. Her whole body shudders as she drags in the huge gulps of air. 

“Help us! Please help us!” The girl is holding her brother up, but Hailey can’t see the mom. 

“Come on.” She reaches for the girl but she shrinks away.

“I can’t swim. Please...My mom…”

“Okay...okay.” The water is rising fast and Hailey knows they have maybe 30 seconds before the air pocket disappears. The air is already getting thinner.

Hailey takes a deep breath and ducks back under the water using the seats to pull her forward. The mom comes into view and Hailey knows without being able to see her face that she’s unconscious. Her fingers struggle with the seatbelt and when it finally releases, Hailey has to go back to the kids for another breath. 

The water is almost to the roof. The little boy is crying and both of their faces are pressed against the top of the van, desperately trying to stay above the water. She can’t carry them all. It’s a thought that keeps passing through her head. She’s going to have to come back down. 

“Okay...I need you…” She chokes on the water and presses closer to the kids. “Big breaths. We have to go now.” She doesn’t let the girl back away this time and tugs them both to the front of the van. There’s a light that seems to get brighter as she kicks to the surface...to air.  _ Please don’t be dead. _

“HERE!” She breaks the surface with both of them and a second later, Chris is wading into the water to grab the kids. Her vision is spotty and her lungs feel like they are seizing up but she needs to go back down.  _ Come on...you can do this _

“Hailey NO!” Her partner shouts from the bank where both kids are huddled, coughing up water. He couldn’t get to them. He had watched as Hailey had disappeared under the water that first time and the minute and a half she’d been under had felt like an hour. He’s not the best swimmer on a good day...the cold water is definitely not ideal. He needs to help her but right now, the best thing for him to do is stay here. If he goes back in the water, there’s a good chance he’d need rescued as well.

“Where the hell is backup?” His radio crackles, almost as if it heard his question and when he hears that the ambulance is still 2 minutes out, he knows it will be too late.

* * *

“Hey...I meant to ask if anything happened with you and Maura’s friend, Hailey?” Will and Jay are just leaving one of the bays in the ED after talking with one of the patients. “You guys seemed to have made a connection.”

Jay bites his tongue. His immediate response would be to tell him to mind his own business, but he knows Will is coming from a good place. He only wants to see him happy. 

“Nothing happened. I told you I wasn’t ready.” His hands fiddle with a loose page in his notebook, waiting for the words he knows are coming.

“Jay, no one expects you to fall in love with someone so quickly. I know you miss her. I do too...but Lena isn’t coming back.”

“Will…” The anger that comes through in that one word has his brother pausing, but only for a moment.

“No...hear me out. Sometimes...it’s like you live your life as though she’s on some extended vacation or something. She’s dead, Jay. You need to start moving on. I’m not saying you have to forget about her, but what you’re doing? It isn’t living. What would Lena think if she could see you now?” Will knows he’s treading on very dangerous ground. They never talk about Lena...she’s off limits.

“I don’t need you to tell me that my wife is dead. I was there...remember?” His voice cracks at the end and he clenches his jaw. 

“Okay...okay.” Will knows when to stop pushing his brother and he’s just about there. “Just...it’s okay to be happy again, Jay. The end of her life doesn’t need to be the end of yours too.” Will touches Jay’s shoulder and smiles sadly at him. For them, that conversation was a long time coming, but it was still hard. Jay’s probably gonna be pissed at him for a bit.

“Hey...Thanksgiving is next week. You’re still coming over right?” He tries for a quick subject change and is relieved when Jay seems to grab at the topic change as well.

“Yeah. I’ll be there.” He wants to add that it better be just be the three of them. All in all, the night they had gone out for drinks and Maura had brought her friend along hadn’t been that bad…until he was alone. He’d sort of lost it after that night and had declined every single invitation to hang out with Will and Muara in the 3 or so months that followed. He’s actually seen Maura’s friend... _ Hailey...her name is Hailey _ ...a couple of times. 

The first time he’d seen her was at a crime scene, not even a week after he met her. She was standing with another officer on the perimeter and after noticing her, he’d been careful to keep his back to her. Awkward conversation was just as bad as forced conversation, so he chose none. He’d seen her a month after that at the hospital while she was sitting with a teenage girl who was sobbing hysterically. He had actually thought about going over then...just to make sure everything was okay, but his boss called him and the decision to go or not to go was made for him.

The last time he saw her was just a couple of weeks ago. He’d stopped into Molly’s for a beer with his team and she had been sitting there at the bar. She was alone, staring into a shot glass. He’d walked up to her and ordered two more shots because...shots  _ were  _ better with someone else. 

“Hey Herman. Can I get two more of whatever this was?” He’s a little thrown when Hailey doesn’t seem to register that he’s next to her. “Hey…” Jay turns and leans against the bar, studying her. 

“So...you  _ can  _ see me.” Hailey had known the second Jay Halstead walked into the bar. He’s just got this presence about him that you can’t help but look. She’d felt this odd pull the last two times she had seen him...and then he’d turned his back to her...like she was beneath him or something. To say it pissed her off, was an understatement. 

Jay looks more confused than anything. Just when he starts to ask her what she means, she tells him she saw him at that crime scene and as he walked away in the hospital.

“Ugh...thanks Herman.”  _ Well, shit _ . He hadn’t thought she had seen him. He couldn’t feel smaller if he tried.

“Hailey...Look I’m sorry. The first time...I did see you, but I wasn’t ready to talk to you so soon. So...yeah. I pretended that I didn’t see you. But the second time, I think I was actually gonna come check on you and that girl but my boss called and I had to take off.” Despite not really knowing her, he knows he doesn’t like the sad look in her eyes. She just looks so...alone.

“Doesn’t matter...you doing this with me?” She’d made him uncomfortable. A secret skill of hers she wishes she could get rid of. The best thing to do is carry on.

“Yeah.” The glasses tap together and some of the clear liquid spills over and down her hand. A vision of him sucking the liquid from each of her fingers flashes in his mind so quickly and strongly that he has to shake his head to clear it.  _ Where the hell had that come from? _

“So...Why are you drinking alone?” A part of him doesn’t want to leave her side just yet. He can see his team at the back table, but Hailey still looks sad, so he doesn’t move.

“I’m celebrating.” It feels silly to say that out loud. She doesn’t have family to call and Maura wasn’t feeling well and canceled last minute. She’s alone...in a bar, celebrating. She knows he is going to ask her what she’s celebrating, so she slides her newly minted Star across the bar top to him.

“No way? Congratulations Hailey.” He smiles at her and he’s genuinely happy for her. This is a huge deal. “You know what...come with me.” He stands back and waits for her to rise then shouts a pretty big drink order to Herman before he leads her to the back of the bar.

“Ugh...Jay? I know I said I was celebrating, but I have no intentions of hooking up with you in a bar as part of that.” She joins in when he starts to laugh and she realizes she spoke too soon.

“Guys, this is Hailey. She’s a friend of my brother’s fiancé, and she...just passed her Detectives exam!” Jay shouts out the last part and grins at Hailey when she blushes from the sudden attention. His whole team joins in on congratulating her. They insist that she join them for the rest of the night and for the first time in a long time, she had felt like she belonged.

He hadn’t told Will or Maura about that night. It wasn’t like anything happened. He’d sat back and watched as she interacted with his team throughout the night. There wasn’t much conversation between himself and Hailey and he was okay with that. He’d only wanted to erase that sad look in her eyes, and by the time Herman had brought the first round over, he’d succeeded. 

He would never admit it to anyone, let alone himself, but he secretly hopes to run into her again. Maybe they could just be friends. He hadn’t felt the same guilt after that last meeting that he did after walking her home.

“Jay?” Will waves his hand in front of his brother's face to get his attention. 

A surge of activity by the entrance has everyone turning to see what’s going on. Will immediately jumps into action as a victim is rolled in, shouting orders to a group of nurses.

Jay steps back so he isn’t in the way as the second victim is rushed past him. The person on the stretcher is grey and her lips are blue. Her body sort of flops around as the person straddling her performs CPR on her. She’s soaking wet like they pulled her from the water.

“We got her back at the scene, but she crashed right when we pulled in here. We need to move.” They enter one of the bays and Jay has no clue why he does it, but he slowly moves closer to the room. He’s got this nagging feeling in his gut that makes him want to get a better look at the victim.

They’re intubating her when he slides into the room. He takes in her tiny stature and then his eyes sweep up to her face. Long blonde hair hangs limply around her face and shoulders and suddenly it clicks. 

He knows her. 

* * *

“Hey Maura.” Jay hugs her as she turns the corner into the waiting room.

“Is she okay? I don’t understand...How did this happen?” Maura had been working when Jay called her. 

“I don’t really know much. Her partner is pretty shaken up right now. I guess he can’t swim and...he saw Hailey floating but couldn’t get her.” Jay shifts his head to Hailey’s partner who’s hunched over in a chair. Jay had tried to talk to him, but he just kept apologizing and then Jay was pretty sure he was going to cry so he’d left him alone. It sounded like an incredibly difficult decision to have to make. Stay back and watch your partner drown, or go in after her knowing you can’t swim either...it was a lose, lose situation. One he was very glad to not be a part of.

“Hailey can swim. She swam all through college.” Maura says it mostly to herself. She can’t imagine Hailey drowning...not when she’d personally witnessed her break records. It just didn’t make sense.

“Will...how is she?” Maura pounces on him the second he comes into the waiting room. 

“She’s gonna be okay. She uh...she’s resting right now before they get her a room.” Will hadn’t been sure what was going to happen for a little while. Hailey had coded twice after being resuscitated at the scene. “She got really lucky. She suffered what’s called a Laryngospasm. Which basically means she drowned without any water in her lungs. The moment she inhaled water, her vocal chords recognized that the water shouldn’t be there and slammed shut. We are just monitoring her oxygen level and managing her pain right now. She most likely will go home in the morning.” He goes on to explain that she suffered some partially separated ribs and had a hairline fracture in her sternum from CPR. 

Will turns to her partner who had stood to the side of Maura, just listening. “I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but you did the right thing. Try to believe that. She’s awake and coherent and that...that’s a very good thing.” He pats the man on the shoulder and tells them she can start having visitors in an hour, after they move her up to her room. 

* * *

By the time Jay gets a turn to see her, Hailey is sleeping. She’s still getting her color back, but her lips aren’t that deathly blue anymore. Even though he can see her heart beating, he watches her chest rise and fall just to make sure it really is. 

He doesn’t like that he was as scared as he was when he found out it was Hailey. One traumatic loss is more than enough to last him a lifetime. Even only still getting to know her, the thought of her suddenly not being here? Definitely something he was not happy thinking about.

“What are you doing here?” He’d been watching her chest rise and fall so intently that he failed to notice she had woken up. From the slight grimace in her tone, he knows it’s because she must be in pain.

“I was with a vic when they brought you in.” He suddenly feels out of place here, at her bedside. He guesses they are friends...or at the very least on their way to being friends, but it feels strange to be here and have her awake to witness it. “I just...I called Maura when I realized it was you, and then I stuck around to make sure you were gonna be okay.” When he stands, he automatically moves back from the bed, needing that distance. He can see her fighting sleep again already. 

“Just so you are aware, I’m going to be staying at your brother’s place for a couple of days. You know how stubborn Maura can be.” Honestly, the thought of having someone to help her out with things doesn’t sound so bad. She just hopes that Maura won’t smother her. 

“I’m...I’ll probably be there for Thanksgiving.” The way she says it, feels a lot like she is testing his reaction. “I know you are gonna be there and I didn’t want to blindside you. I’ll keep to myself though...no matter how much Maura might interfere.” 

Something in his chest settles when she smiles at him, and while almost everything inside of him is telling him to keep the space and not let her in, a tiny voice in his head is urging him to give her a chance. He finds himself offering her a half smile, telling her he will see her Thursday before he turns to leave. She doesn’t ask him to stay, and he doesn’t offer. 

All the feelings and thoughts swirling in his head should make for an interesting holiday, for sure.

* * *

“Thank God you are here. I think Maura is on Hailey’s last nerve and I’m genuinely concerned for her safety.” He sends a dramatic, fearful look towards the back of Hailey’s head and leans closer to his brother. “I’m pretty sure I saw her staring at the knife block earlier...imagining all the ways she could make Maur stop talking.” He shivers for effect and adds that she is terrifying. “Absolutely terrifying…” He’s not entirely joking. Hailey has this deadpan stare and flat emotionless tone when she gets pissed off...and she’s been pissed off a lot over the last 5 days.

Jay chuckles and shakes his head, handing the wine he brought to his brother so he can hang up his coat.

“So I’m...to run interference?” 

“Please!” His exaggerated response has both of them laughing.

They are both smiling when they make their way into the living room.

“Happy Thanksgiving.” Jay smiles cautiously at Hailey and then is engulfed in a hug from Maura.

“You want a drink? I brought wine.” Jay waits until Maura and Will disappear back into the kitchen before he speaks to her. He can see right away that she’s on edge. When she only continues to stare at the television, he decides to get a glass for both of them.

“Thanks.” Hailey takes the glass in her hands and takes a small sip. She’s not much of a wine drinker, but when she does drink it, she prefers white, so at least she doesn’t have to choke down red.

“How’s the ribs?” Jay has never had CPR done on him, but he took a bullet to the vest a while back and he can certainly understand that pain. It’s excruciating.

“If I tell you that they’re fine, are you going to keep asking me about them?” Annoyance paints her words and she feels a little bad for taking her frustration with Maura out on him. “Sorry...That was...rude.” She lets out a slow breath, gathering her thoughts. “They definitely feel better than right after I woke up, but it’s still pretty painful. Especially because it’s easy to forget about it while I’m sitting still, and then I’ll move too quickly or take too deep a breath...If I was at home, alone, I’d probably shed some tears.”

“Yeah...it was always the breathing thing that got me. It takes a lot of focus to only take shallow breaths.” Instead of sitting next to her on the couch, he takes one of the recliners and settles in, studying her from over the rim of his wine glass. They sit in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes, both watching the television, before Hailey speaks up.

“Hey Jay?” Her voice is quiet and a little unsure. “Thanks for not asking me a hundred questions about it.” 

Jay nods and smiles a little at the way she quickly breaks eye contact. The truth is, he does have questions. He wants to ask her if she remembers anything from when she ‘died’ but he doesn’t exactly think that’s appropriate conversation right now.

“Okay guys! It’s ready!” Maura shouts from the kitchen and both Jay and Hailey make their way into the dining room to join them.

Everyone is pretty quiet for the first couple of minutes, only murmuring about how good something is. The table holds six and the four of them are sitting directly across from one another. Jay is next to Will and on the other side, Hailey and Maura. Jay finds himself watching Hailey throughout the meal and she holds his gaze a little longer each time their eyes connect.

“So Jay, I was trying to get Hailey to tell me about her amazing rescue, but she won’t tell me anything.” The second the words leave Maura’s mouth, Jay sees Hailey’s whole body tense up. Her eyes close as she controls her breathing and Jay suddenly sees the issue. Hailey almost seems ashamed of her actions that day.

“I think if Hailey wanted to talk about it, she would.” Jay doesn’t look at Hailey as he speaks, but he can see the way her eyes snap open in surprise that he had defended her refusal to discuss it. He loves Maura...but sometimes she can be a little much. Especially for people like himself and Hailey, who tend to be more closed off.

“I know. I just keep thinking that I’m literally sitting next to a hero and she won’t even talk about…”

“Jesus Christ, Maura. Just leave it alone!” Her chair screeches as she shoves back from the table. Her face contorts with pain and then she mumbles something about needing some air before she heads out on the small balcony off the living room.

“I’ll go.” Jay stands quickly, stopping Maura from trying to help. 

He finds her clutching the railing tightly in the beginning stages of a panic attack. Thinking quickly, he tries out some of the grounding techniques he’d learned when he first came back from overseas.

"You see that building with the blue light?” He makes no move to get closer to her or touch her in any way, just waits for her to look out where he is pointing. When she shakily nods, he continues. “There’s another right behind it that has a bunch of tenants in it. Last summer, I was chasing a suspect and we ended up on the roof of that building. This guy...he took off for the ledge and all I could think was  _ holy shit...he’s gonna jump.”  _ Jay knows she is only half listening, but at least her breathing is back to normal. “I jumped a roof that day. Kinda felt like I was flying.” 

Hailey appreciates the story, and that he seems content to just talk at her...which any other time would piss her off, but right now...struggling to hold herself together, she’s grateful. 

They stand like that for a couple minutes before Hailey finally speaks.

“They want to give me a medal.” 

Jay has to lean step a little closer so he can hear her. 

“Superintendent’s Award of Valor...for an outstanding act of bravery or heroism...What a load of shit.” Hailey can barely keep the disbelief from her voice.

_ There it is...why she seemed ashamed almost. _

“Hailey…”

“I died. I actually died and they want to give me give me a fucking medal.” The emotion is getting harder to control and she feels like she could spiral out at any second.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, and that’s okay...but what you did that day? There’s not a whole lot of people who would risk their lives like that.”

“I was stupid. I was reckless and cocky and I...I got lucky. I don’t deserve to get a medal for luck.” She just wants someone to understand.

Jay looks at her for a couple of seconds trying to figure out the best thing to say to her. He knows better than most what it feels like to be awarded for something you feel like you don’t deserve. He’d gotten a medal after his last tour...for surviving. His entire unit dies and he gets a medal because he lived...yeah it was pretty fucked up.

“Somewhere out there that mom and her two kids are sitting around a table having Thanksgiving dinner because of you.” He decides to just give her the truth...whether she wants to hear it or not. “They’d be dead. An entire family would be dead if you hadn't done what you did. Stupid or not...lucky or not...you saved them. And yeah...I know what it feels like to get an award for something that just seems wrong, but I’m telling you...this one? You deserve it.”

She breaks...there’s no other way to describe what he sees happen to her. There’s no sound but her tears roll down her cheeks and her chest heaves heavily with each sob she tries to suppress. 

He steps closer to her and carefully pulls her against his side. “Come on. Just let it out. It’ll hurt less if you just let go.” Jay sucks in a breath when she lays her head against him because while he had wanted to offer her comfort, he hadn’t expected her to give in so easily. He turns his head and presses his lips to the top of her head, not entirely sure how to feel about her hand clutching the fabric of his shirt over his stomach.

They stay out there for a little while longer, letting Hailey pull herself together before her shivering starts to worry him.

“We should head back in. It’s freezing out here.” He steps back, but Hailey stops him with the hand on his shirt.

“Thank you.” This time it’s she who rises on her tiptoes, ignoring the pain in her chest, so she can kiss his cheek. Before Jay can react, she turns and disappears back into the apartment.

_ What the hell are you doing... _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and reviewing! I wanted to let you that this chapter...tried to break me. I cried like a baby writing about Jay forgetting his wife's voice. I had a similar moment when I couldn't hear my Pap's voice anymore and I lost it...I had wanted to post this on Wednesday, but I didn't want to read it anymore. So here it is, an early post because my emotions are a mess...enjoy~Nan

The dream always starts out the same way. He’s in this massive bed surrounded by white. White sheets, white pillows, white curtains that billow in an invisible wind. There’s so much of it that sometimes in the dream, he has to squint from the brightness of it all.

It’s been a while since he had the dream but in it, he’s always on his side, watching as his hand reaches out to pull down the comforter on the other side of the bed. He knows what’s under it. The second the puffy white blanket is pulled back, he’s met with the most beautiful skin he’s ever seen. Like everything else, her skin is white….like that vampire pale but somehow still slightly pink in hue. 

Lena...Her hair is poker straight and such a dark brown that it’s nearly black. A stunning contrast to her skin. He always smooths her hair back from her face and his wife, his Lena, will smile softly in her sleep before she opens her eyes. Bright blue eyes stare back at him and his hand once again reaches for her face, but something stops him.

Something’s not right...the room is the same, the bed is the same, the bright white of the room is the same,  _ so what’s off _ ? 

“Lena?” He turns her to face him, searching her eyes and then he’s scrambling backwards off the bed. 

Golden...the color of whiskey. That’s what color Lena’s eyes were. 

Jay jolts awake, jumping from the bed. He almost expects to still be in that room. That has never happened. He loved that dream. Somehow, he always knew he was dreaming, but he’d give anything to stay lost in that bed with her. It’s never changed and he can’t really remember what caused the dream to feel so off now that he’s awake, but it’s enough to keep him from wanting to go back to sleep.

After a quick trip in the bathroom, Jay grabs some running gear and heads to the community gym on the top floor of his building. Maybe he can run away the uneasy feeling in his gut.

* * *

Jay used to love Christmas. There wasn’t a single thing he could tell you about that time of year that he disliked. He loved the lights and the music. Garland wrapped around every light pole in town. Magic. That’s what he loved the most. The magic that Christmas could bring.

He’d met Lena at a Christmas party. He remembers watching her as she seemed to just float around the room. She was the picture of joy. Her birthday was December 23rd and he’d spent 4 years, three of them as her husband, celebrating with her. 

He hasn’t celebrated since she passed. The first Christmas without her, he doesn’t even remember. He’s pretty sure he was black out drunk the entire week leading up to Christmas. It was definitely not his finest moment. 

Last year he took the week and spent it at his cabin in Wisconsin. It’s where he’ll go again in 3 days. They just have to finish packing up the last of the files from the case they were working so Robbery/Homicide can pick up the information, as it was connected to one they were working on.

“Hey what’s up, Upton?” Kevin then Adam greets Hailey as she reaches the top of the stairwell. “How you feeling?” Pretty much everyone has heard about Detective Hailey Upton and how she saved that family. 

“I’m...good. Still a little sore. It’s my first week back...restricted.” She makes a face at being tied down to her desk, but really...she’s glad to be back at work. Even if it means she’s sent out on stupid errands.

“There’s 6 boxes total. Let me grab my coat and I can help carry them down.” 

Jay tries to ignore it. He really does, but he can feel her staring at him and honestly...he’s not a rude guy, so he turns slowly in his chair. She’s already got a box in her hands and she smiles quickly at him before she turns and walks back down the stairs. 

He’s both relieved and disappointed that she didn’t talk to him. When it comes to her, he’s got no clue what he wants. 

When the gate closes downstairs, he suddenly remembers that he’s actually got something for her. Grabbing his jacket and then rushing to his locker to get what he needs, he takes the steps two at a time to catch up to her. He ignores the words from Kevin and Adam, just wanting to catch her.

“Hailey.” Her name carries across the street to where she is parked and he knows she can’t hear him. The windows are up. A quick look for cars, and then he taps on her window. The way she jumps makes him laugh until he sees her wince in pain, and then the whole reason for coming down here presents itself.

“Hey.” He gives her a grin and leans an arm against the roof of her suv. “I’ve been meaning to give you this.” He passes her the small blue tube in his hand. “It's a prescription Lidocaine gel. I uh...had it from when I got shot, but I didn’t use this one. Doesn't expire for a couple months yet." It had seemed like a normal thing to do when he thought of it...him just trying to be friendly and helpful, but now, as he is standing here, he feels extremely awkward.

“Oh...um, thanks.” Hailey studies the tube and then sets it on the seat next to her.

“I meant to give it to you at Thanksgiving, but then things happened and I completely forgot. Then I didn’t know your number and it felt weird to ask Maura for it because...well you’ve met her. Her mind will conjure up all kinds of reasons I’d need your number and I didn’t really want to deal with that.” His smile is genuine now and steps back a little to see more of her.

“Do you want it?” 

_ Blue...bright blue eyes... _ He knows she said something but he can’t hear over the pounding in his ears. The eyes from his dream. Deep down he’d known the eyes were hers, but seeing them again in the afternoon sun...it throws him.

“Jay?” 

He blinks a couple of times, taking in her frown. 

“What did you say?” He looks at her, but not her eyes. He’s focused on a spot just to the left of her head.

“Nothing...Merry Christmas Jay.” Hailey knows without asking that he won’t be around for the holiday. Maura had said as much, but still...she just wishes she could figure out what he wants from her. 

“Merry Christmas, Hailey.” She doesn’t know why, but the sad look on his face and the tone of his ‘Merry Christmas’ makes her think he was telling her goodbye. 

Would they ever have a ‘normal’ interaction?

* * *

“Alright, alright! I’m coming!” Will hurries to unlock the front door, just wanting the incessant banging to stop. When it first started, he’d thought it was someone else’s apartment, but then it seemed to get louder and he’d jumped out of bed, stopping only to grab to grab a shirt.

“What the hell, Jay?” Will barely has time to step aside before his brother barges into his living room.

“Where is it?” Jay is frantically pulling the discs from Will’s entertainment center.

“Jay? What are you looking for? I can help you...just tell me what you’re looking for.” Will hasn’t seen his brother like this in a long time. Jay either doesn’t hear him or just ignores him and continues to search for whatever it is he is looking for.

After Jay has torn his entire entertainment center apart, Will watches as he slumps against the wall. His legs stretch out in front of him and his hands are balled into fists in his lap.

“Jay?” Will tries once again to get his attention. He’s not even supposed to be back in the city for another 2 days. 

“I can’t hear her voice…” Jay finally speaks to Will and the look on his face makes Will want to cry for him.

“I woke up this morning and I was trying to picture her telling me Merry Christmas and...and...there was nothing.” His breath hitches and he closes his eyes to try and stop himself from crying.

“Oh Jay…” Will moves to sit next to his brother but he doesn’t touch him.

“I could still see her, but I can’t remember what she sounded like.” This time, he presses the heels of his palms to his eyes and lets out a long breath. “I’m forgetting her...I’m forget...ing her.” 

Will reaches for Jay’s hand now and holds it tightly in his. “It’s okay, Jay. You’re okay.” He tries to comfort him, but he feels Jay pulling away.

“How is it okay? Everyday I wake and keep going but she’s not here and I’m losing her a little more all the time. What happens when I can’t remember her smile? Or...how long until I forget her completely and she’s just a bunch of letters and numbers on some stone?” 

“I didn’t mean it’s okay to forget her, Jay. You’ll never forget her. Never.” Will says the words with such force, that Jay has no choice but to hear him. “I stopped hearing mom a long time ago, but I still remember her. I still see her at the table with the comics and you on her lap, laughing about the amount of syrup I used. I still feel her...as stupid as that sounds...sometimes I’ll be walking and I won’t realize where I am exactly but I get this feeling of familiarity and I’ll look around and be somewhere she took us, and I just...I  _ feel  _ her.” When he reaches for his hand this time, Jay lets him take it.

“I think forgetting certain things is just our body trying to not be in pain all the time.” 

“I don’t want to forget her.” Jay tips his head back, his eyes squinting like he’s trying this very second to bring her to life in his mind.

“You couldn’t forget her even if you tried.” Will lets him sit there for a couple more minutes before he tells Jay they should get some sleep. He pulls Jay from the floor and tells him to leave the mess he’d made. They can take of it in the morning.

* * *

Jay still feels in a bit of a funk when New Years Eve rolls around, but he’s promised his team that he would be at Mollys to bring in the New Year. 

“Halstead!” He’s greeted immediately by his friends and he points to the bar letting them know he’ll be over after getting a drink.

It takes much longer to get a beer because of how crowded it is, but Jay just waits his turn and nods or smiles at the familiar faces he sees around the counter. His eyes narrow a bit when he sees Hailey, scowling at a guy next to her. He watches as the guy grabs her chin to get her attention and Jay automatically starts in that direction. 

He loses sight of her for a second and when he finds her again, he’s biting back a laugh.

“Remind me never to piss you off.” He’d known she could likely handle herself, but he just wanted to be sure. Now, as he stares at the guy drenched with what he can only assume was Hailey’s drink, he can’t keep the smile off his face. 

Hailey lets out a sound that’s a cross between a laugh and a breath of relief.

“Well...me throwing a drink at you would only be fair.” They both laugh, remembering their first meeting.

“Seriously though...you good?” They’d moved down the bar some where Jay finally places his order, including a drink for Hailey, and motions towards the guy she’d just humiliated.

“Yeah. He’s...I thought he was an old friend, but apparently he had other things on his mind. He uh...didn’t like when I told him I only wanted to be his friend.” She thanks him for her drink and then just stands there. She isn’t sure where she will go now. She’d come with that jerk and now…

“Come on.” Jay grabs her hand so he doesn’t lose her and just like the night she’d gotten her star, he leads her back towards his friends.

“Alright...here’s what I want to know. When are you gonna leave Robbery/Homicide and come work for Voight?” Adam leans over the table a little and gives her one of his signature charming smiles. 

Jay tries not to let it get to him. Adam is...a flirt. Most of the time it’s harmless and he’s pretty sure there’s a secret romance between him and Burgess, but the way Hailey is smiling back at him sets him on edge. There’s no logical explanation for the way he can feel so completely possessive of her when she’s right beside him, and then the second he’s alone, despise her. Maybe that’s too strong a word. He just hates that when he’s around her, all the guilt and grief he normally feels seems to vanish and when she’s gone, it comes crashing into him like a freight train. 

“Actually...I was just offered a spot, temporary, while your partner is under.” Hailey looks at Kevin this time. His partner Vanessa went under a week ago and Hailey had been totally surprised and more than happy to get that call.

“What?” Jay turns as much as he can in the crammed booth to look at her. She’s pressed against his side and Kim is smashed on her other side. “You never said anything.” 

Hailey clears her throat and looks down at her beer. She wants to tell him that he never asked, but that would probably throw the whole mood off. Intelligence is the dream...the endgame, but with the weirdness between her and Jay, she hadn’t been certain she could make it work.

“I’m not sure it’s the right move right now.” She scratches at the wet label on her bottle and rubs it into little balls on her napkin.

“If Voight asked you, it’s a big deal. He hand picks the best...people that fit with his idea of how his unit should run. Did you tell him no?” 

Hailey looks at Kim and shakes her head. She hadn’t said no. She has until the 3rd of January to decide. 

“Excuse me. I’m gonna run to the restroom and grab us another round.” Jay watches Hailey until she disappears down the hall and then excuses himself as well. He ignores the way his team cheers him on, like he and Hailey planned it or something. He didn’t, but he wants to talk to her away from the rest of the group and now might be his only chance.

* * *

“You following me?” Hailey steps out of the ladie’s room and tilts her head at him, a smile playing at her mouth.

“Maybe…” Jay doesn’t move when Hailey takes another step, and they are so close that she has to tip her head back to look up at him.

“Hailey…” Her name comes out only slightly above a whisper and Jay can feel her move impossibly closer to him.

“Jay…” This man drives her insane. One second he gives off a vibe that clearly reads STAY BACK, and then other times, like now, he looks like he wants to devour her where they stand. She can’t imagine what it is like to lose a spouse, but it can’t be easy for him. Which is why she hasn’t pushed. It’s easy for her to go after what she wants, but from the beginning, Jay has been a conundrum. 

“It  _ is  _ a big deal. Voight asking you to join Intelligence...even if just to fill in. Don’t say no unless you’re absolutely sure it isn’t what you want because...he won’t ask you again.” He wants to ask her if it’s him that has her hesitating, but he keeps quiet, holding his breath as he hears the countdown start down the hallway.

She’s going to kiss him. The thought flashes in her mind as the countdown reaches 5 and she slides her hands up his chest to the back of his neck. Just as ‘3, 2, 1’ is shouted, her eyes search his and when she finds no signs that he doesn’t want this, she presses up on her toes and kisses him.

Jay freezes. He’d heard the countdown and thought for a moment that this could be a disaster, but he didn't move away. In fact, when she pulls on his neck, bringing his face closer to hers, his hands wind around her back to get her entire body flush against his. The second her lips touch his is when he freezes. It’s like he completely forgot how to kiss. 

She isn’t sure what she’d been expecting, but when Jay doesn’t move at all, she begins to pull back. She tries to think of something to say so it won’t be weird, but just as she breaks contact with his lips, she makes a sound of surprise when he whirls them around and shoves her up against the wall behind them. 

Jay takes the opportunity and attacks her mouth when she gasps. His tongue presses against hers as a feeling he’s denied himself for years surges in his blood.  _ Lust...Want...Need _

_ Holy shit... _ He can kiss, and he’s not messing around. Hailey barely manages to suppress a moan when his hand snakes down her side and hitches her leg around her waist. He presses his lower half against her and her head thuds back against the wall.

“Fuck…” It’s more a breath than a word and she presses her lips to his neck to nip at his jaw.

“Lena…” She feels the word mumbled against her hair more than she hears it, but the effect is the same. 

If someone threw a bucket of ice water on her, she thinks she'd still be less surprised than she is right now. Devastated is more accurate. He doesn’t seem to realize what he said and his hands continue to roam her body even though she’s no longer actively participating.

“Stop...Jay...stop!” She shoves against him and creates some much needed space between them.

“What’s wrong?” She’d been just as willing as he was until she wasn’t. He waits for her to answer her, but she just brushes past him without explaining.

“Hailey.” His hand grabs her wrist and she stops but doesn’t turn.

“Yeah, Jay. My name is Hailey.” She’s not mad...truly. She’s embarrassed and her pride is a little hurt and all she wants to do is go home now.

“I know what your name is…” It dawns on him that what he thought was spoken in his head was actually said out loud and he feels like an asshole. 

“Hailey, I’m sorry. I didn’t…”

“Please don’t.” He’s gonna tell her it never should have happened in the first place and she isn’t sure she can handle hearing him say that. Maybe if she says it first, it won’t be so bad. “Let’s just...chalk this up to one too many beers and forget it.” She tugs her hand free and has to look away from his face. 

“I’m so sorry.” He chokes it out and hates that it feels like tears are welling up in his eyes.

“Me too.” When she turns to leave, he doesn’t stop her, and she hurries to grab her coat from the table so she can leave. She practically runs out of the bar, ignoring the confused looks from Jay’s friends. 

Jay follows suit and the second he sees her exit the bar, he grabs his jacket and starts toward the door. Maybe they see the tears in his eyes or maybe Hailey had told them what happened, he can't be sure, but no one says a word when he grabs his stuff and leaves. 

The entire walk home he feels the weight of his actions. How could he have done that? He remembers thinking it, but not because he was picturing her. He  _ had  _ thought of Lena...right when she kissed him, her face popped into his head, but then all he could think about was Hailey and the way she clung to him...how she felt in his arms. 

He’d always been so careful with his wife...like he was afraid of hurting her but with Hailey, all thoughts of gentleness had flown from his mind. He’d wanted to possess her...they’d been so close that the only way they could have been closer was if they were naked and he was inside her. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her, just take her, but he’d ended up hurting her in a way he hadn’t seen coming.

_ How the hell can he fix this? _

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars

“Okay. That’s it...What the hell is going on with you?” Maura drops to the cold ground into a stretch after another punishing run with Hailey. “Is this about Thanksgiving still? Cause I thought we were okay now.” Maura studies her friend closely. It’s been a week of runs just like this one. Normally, when she runs with Hailey, they do 3 miles at a steady pace, but this last week, Hailey had pushed the distance to nearly 5 miles and she’s pretty sure if she wasn’t there with her, that she would just keep on running. Something is bothering her.

“I kissed Jay.” Hailey doesn’t blink as she stares back at her friend. 

“WHAT! When? Why am I just hearing about this now?” 

“Probably because I knew you’d react like this.” When Maura looks away, obviously a little hurt, Hailey closes her eyes and sighs. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Maur. You just...you see the word as sunshine and rainbows and...and I don’t.” She pulls her foot up behind her, stretching her hamstring. “I saw him on New Years Eve and it just sort of happened. Don’t look at me like that…”

“Like what?” 

“Like your planning out the color scheme of my imaginary wedding you're envisioning.” She falls into step with Maura as they walk back to the car. “We kissed and it was...intense, and then he called me Lena.”

“Oh no...Oh Hails...I’m so sorry. What did you do?” 

“I ran. I told him to stop and I just...I ran. Maura...he didn’t even know he said it.” She still hears it when she closes her eyes. “You want to know the best part? I start with Intelligence tomorrow.” She laughs now, because she is pretty sure if she doesn’t, she might cry…for her...for Jay...for the unfairness of it all.

“I know what you’re going to say but...do you want me to talk to him?” She knows Hailey will say no, but she just wants to help them both. She’s seen the change in Jay happen slowly, but it still happened and Hailey is definitely the reason. 

“No...I love you for asking, but no. I’m just…I’m going to pretend like nothing happened. I need to focus on my job. I don’t want to screw this opportunity up.” She pulls the car into Maura’s lot and waits as she unbuckles.

“Okay. Well, if you need anything, or just want to talk, I’m here for you. I’ll even try to be all gloomy just for you.” Maura smiles at Hailey and then opens the door to climb out.

“Thanks, Maur.” She smiles at her friend and then heads home to get ready for her first day with Intelligence.

* * *

“Hailey Upton?” 

Hailey stops mid stride, a massive grin breaking out on her face. She’d know that dry voice anywhere. “Officer Platt?” This was a surprise she never saw coming. Her first day and obviously she’d been a little nervous, but she had come in early to make sure all the paperwork got taken care of, and now she was very glad she did.

“Sergeant Platt now. What are you doing here?” Trudy steps fully up to the counter so she can lean over it a little to take Hailey in. “What’s it been? 20 years? You’re all grown up.”

Her smile pulls a little to the side and she nods. “Yeah...20 years. And uh...it’s actually my first day with Intelligence. I’m filling in temporarily.” 

“Hey listen, I missed you at the medal ceremony, but I wanted to tell you that what you did that day in the river was amazing.” Trudy smiles for a second before it’s wiped from her face and a much more serious look takes its place. “Hope you got all that hero crap out of your system...that won’t fly upstairs. Intelligence is a team. When one of you shines, you all shine...and you mess up, your whole team pays. Understood?”

“Got it.” She swallows, suddenly a little uneasy.

“Upton! You ready for the big leagues?” Adam wraps his arm around Hailey and smiles at Platt. “I’ll get her all settled in upstairs.” They don’t wait for a response and Hailey barely has time to wave at her before she’s ushered up the stairs.

“You know Hailey?” Jay had come in from the car port and heard Hailey talking to Platt. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, but then he also didn’t want to rush the inevitable meeting with Hailey. He wants to talk to her, but he doesn’t want to make her more uncomfortable on her starting day.

“What’s it to you if I do?” Trudy doesn’t even glance at him.

“Nothing, I just...just surprised.” Jay shakes his head and starts for the stairs.

“Halstead?” When Jay turns back, he’s not prepared for how close Platt is. “Make sure Atwater has her back, yeah?” He nods, but doesn’t move. It sort of seems like she wants to say more, but she ends up turning her back and walking away so he heads up, mentally giving himself a pep talk on the way.

* * *

“Are you ever going to talk to me again?”

The question from Jay pulls her from her thoughts. She doesn’t look up from her glass, but she answers him.

“I’ve talked to you everyday this week, Jay.” She’d done exactly what she wanted to do. Hailey had been professional and spoke to him when she needed to. Sure, the conversation with him was cold almost, but she’d been happy that they could speak to each other without it being too weird.

She can hear his frustrated exhale and knows it isn’t the response he was hoping for, but she isn’t really sure what he wants her to say.

“Yeah…You okay?” She watches as he leans against the bar to study her. She’d known he was going to ask, especially after the events of today. They’d been out on a call and a suspect took off. The chase was on foot and spanned nearly a mile, which she and Kevin had done at pretty much a sprint. She took a turn through an alley and ended up in front of the guy they were after and she ducked into a storefront, ready to tackle him when he passed. 

The hand that fell on her shoulder was completely unexpected and startled her so much she fell against the wall just as the guy ran past. When she looked up at the arm attached to the hand and then the face, she had almost passed out. She hadn’t seen that face in nearly 17 years. 

“Hailey?” She lifts the drink but then sets it back down. She doesn’t want to drink here tonight after all. When she pulls her jacket on, she half expects Jay to stop her, but he just lets her leave... _because he’s still in love with his wife._ The thought leaves a bitter taste in her mouth and she picks up her pace, shoving her hands into her pockets, thinking only of the bottle of whiskey waiting for her when she gets home.

* * *

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.” Even in the dark, he can make out the wisps of warm air his words make. He’s been sitting on the frozen ground for close to an hour, but only now had he found the words he wanted to say. 

After leaving the bar, he’d every intention of going after Hailey. He’s pretty sure he caught sight of her but when she turned right, he’d kept walking. 

_What would he even say to her?_

It’s the same thought he had when he walked home on News Years. He had wanted to go after her but he couldn’t. There was so much in his head that he wanted to tell her, but he didn’t...still doesn’t know how to tell her. His legs kept moving until he got so lost in his own thoughts that it wasn’t until he’d entered the cemetery gates that he realized where he’d gone. 

_Lena_...It used to be somewhere he came weekly. He’d sit and talk to her like she was right beside him. He’d hear her answer him and it had helped for a long time, at least he'd thought it helped. It wasn’t until recently, this past summer, that coming here had started to make him sad. He’d stopped coming as often. But he came tonight...without even knowing. _It was time._

“I kissed someone, Lena. I kissed someone and...and I thought it would crush me. When I thought about the first time I’d kiss someone after you, I thought it would hurt.” His head tips back against the cold stone and he slowly lets out a breath. 

“But it didn’t. The world didn’t end, and Lena? I wish you could meet her...Hailey. She’s...I really like her. Even now, telling you that...I feel like it should hurt to say that, or that I should still feel guilty...but I don’t...and that scares me.” He pulls up a leg to rest his forearm on, staring out across the cemetery.

“I fought it...I swear to God, Lena...I fought so hard to hold onto you. I didn’t want to move on without you, but I _feel_ when I’m with her. Like somehow everything is brighter and louder and for the first time in a long time I can finally breathe.” 

Pushing up from the ground and wincing slightly as his legs protest the move, he stares down at the stone. “I miss you...every single day I miss you, but I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore. Will says I need to let you go...everyone does actually, and...I think maybe they’re right. As much as I wish you were here, and that I didn’t have to start again, I think I need to let you go.” Somehow, the tears that fall don’t freeze as they slide down his cheeks, and he reaches out to brush his fingers across the top of her stone.

“I love you. I will always love you, but I can’t stay in the past anymore. You aren't here, and no matter how badly I want you to, you aren't coming back. I’m sorry...I wish it were different and I hope that if the roles were reversed and you were here without me, that you’d find someone who made you happy. This isn’t goodbye...I just, I can’t hold on so tight anymore.” When he leaves, he feels lighter than he has in years. He only hopes it isn’t too late to fix things with Hailey.

* * *

Hailey doesn’t come in the next morning and that worries him slightly. She hadn’t seemed sick or like she was coming down with anything last night. She’d seemed sad...like the night she got promoted and she was celebrating alone. He should have pressed harder for answers last night. He could text her. He has her work phone number now, but that feels like cheating. She hadn’t technically given him her number. 

“Hey, Voight gave us an hour and a half for lunch today. Want to drive to Roma’s? I’m craving an Italian beef sandwich.” Adam’s chair creaks as he leans back towards Jay’s desk, waiting for an answer.

Jay laughs, because really, Adam is always craving something. 

“Yeah, that sounds good.” He could use the distraction.

Roma’s is always crowded so Jay drops Adam off and drives around the block while he waits. Finding a parking spot on this side of town is like striking gold. 

He’s on his second pass when he spots her. Hailey just stepped out of a small cafe and he rolls his window down to shout to her. The words stop in his throat as he watches a guy exit behind her and pull her into a tight hug. _He was too late…_

“Alright, got them. Let’s eat!” Adam jumps into the truck completely oblivious to Jay’s shocked state.

“Jay? You good?” 

“Yeah...sorry. Thought I saw someone. I’m starving.” If Adam doesn’t buy his response, he keeps it to himself. This seems like his luck...he’s finally taking the steps to move on, and he ruins it. He knows that guy could be anyone, but the hug seemed like they were definitely more than friends.

* * *

The very last thing Jay expects is for Hailey to walk into Mollys later that evening. He’s even more surprised to see the guy from the cafe trailing behind her. It shouldn’t piss him off but it does. Before he can finish his beer and make an escape, they’re approaching the table. 

“Hey guys.” Hailey speaks to the group but her eyes linger on Jay who’s beer bottle seems to be the most interesting thing in the world.

“Upton! You missed out on Roma’s today.” Adam scoots his chair closer to Kim so Hailey can move closer to the table.

“Yeah? Maybe next time. This is my team. Team, this is my brother Phillip.” She starts off speaking to the table but again, her eyes fall on Jay who finally looks up at her, sitting a little straighter.

Introductions are made and when they start to talk about what her brother does and where he’s been, Jay sees Hailey start to fidget. Like she wants to change the topic but her brother seems completely fine answering questions even though they are vague. When Hailey steps away to get a drink, Jay excuses himself to join her at the bar.

“You saw me today, didn’t you?” Hailey saw him approach in the mirror behind the bar and speaks right when he sat next to her.

“Yeah…” He ducks his head, a little embarrassed he figured it out. “I thought…”

“I know what you thought, Jay.” She props her chin on her hand and stares at him, waiting to see if he’ll deny it.

“Hailey...is everything okay? You seem...out of it or something.” 

She doesn’t answer right away, just keeps looking at him. She waits until the beers she ordered are placed in front of her before she does.

“I’m okay.” Her smile is anything but convincing and she touches his arm quickly, trying to reassure them both before grabbing the drinks and returning to the group.

They stay and talk and drink for a while. It’s almost normal for the most part, except Jay can see the way Hailey and Phillip glance at each other when certain questions are asked. It’s strange...and Jay finds himself wondering what that’s all about. 

At 11:00pm, Phillip tells the group he has to head out, and he thanks the group for letting him join. Hailey tells the group she’ll see them in the morning a short while later, and this time, when she leaves, Jay doesn’t even hesitate. He’s off his chair and following her, catching up to her just as she steps onto the street to cross.

“You want a ride?” He’s got a lot of things he wants to talk to her about, and if she accepts the ride offer, he might get the chance.

“I’m fine...but thanks.” The words barely leave her mouth before the icy rain mix they were calling for starts to fall. She sighs and quickly changes her mind, following him to his truck.

“I didn’t know you had a brother.” Jay pulls out of the lot and takes a quick glance at her. When she doesn’t answer, he brings up something from the first conversation they had. “I mean, you made it seem like you didn’t have family and I guess...I’m just wondering what the story is there. I know it’s not my place…”

“Then don’t ask. I don’t ask about your wife.” It’s a low blow and she knows it. “I’m sorry.” She turns to look at him and hates the way his jaw clenches. “It’s complicated Jay. I don’t...It’s not something I like to think about let alone talk about.”

They don’t speak for the rest of the drive. All the things he’d wanted to say to her seem to have disappeared. The way she snapped at him threw him. _She wants to know about Lena?_ He can’t get the thought from his head. 

“Jay…” Hailey starts just as he pulls up to her apartment, shifting the truck in park.

“For the record, you can ask me about her. I can’t promise I’ll answer everything, but I can try.” He’s staring at the wipers moving but can feel her gaze on him. 

She doesn’t get out. Instead, she unbuckles and leans over the console, reaching for his keys. She tucks them in her pocket after turning the ignition off and when he questions her, she gives him a small smile.

“I could use another drink and...I think...I think you could too.” She hadn’t been aware of the breath she was holding until he unbuckles and steps out of the truck.

“Just when I think I’ve got you figured out…” Jay shakes his head as a small laugh escapes, and waits for her to unlock the door.

“You only know what I want you to.” She had meant for it to be playful, but it definitely comes out more sad than anything.

“You could tell me things...if you want. You can trust me, Hailey.” He accepts the glass she slides across to him and stares back at her.

_Can she?_ She isn’t sure. She doesn’t trust easily. Letting people in has always been something she’d struggled with. 

“You want to know my story?” She’s asking him, but she’s trying to see if he really means it too.

Jay sets his glass down and reaches for her hand. She’s a little far away, so he can only brush his fingers against hers.

“I want to know whatever you want to tell me, Hailey.” When he sits back, he lets her gather her thoughts. He can be very patient when he needs to be. A gentle, encouraging smile forms on his lips when she sits down finally, swirling the amber liquid in her glass. 

“My dad’s restaurant was robbed when I was ten years old. I was at the cash register, because that's a great place for a kid, and I remember the door opening. When I looked up I was staring into the barrel of a gun.” She hears his sharp inhale, but ignores it. 

“I gave him what was in the drawer and you want to know the really messed up part?” She embraces the burn of the whiskey and looks up at his face for the first time since she sat down. “I wasn’t scared. I was ten and a gun was pointed in my face and all I could think about was what my dad was gonna do.” A humorless laugh escapes. “How fucked up is that?”

“What did he do? Your dad.” He doesn’t mean to cut in, but he needs to know how bad things were for her

She’s staring at her hands and closes her eyes. She doesn’t like to go back to that night. Her life hadn’t been the best before the robbery, but it had certainly gotten worse after it. “He beat me. The second we got home he hit me. He didn’t stop for a long time. And uh...my brother came home later that night and saw me lying in the same spot our dad left me. He lost it. He attacked my dad while he was sleeping…” Hailey stops for a second, wanting to pour another drink, but Jay stops her.

“No...no more. What happened next, Hailey?” He’s got a pretty good idea of what happened but he wants her to confirm it. 

“My mom called the cops and they arrested Phillip. He was 18. He spent 10 years in prison because of me.” Her voice breaks on the last part and Jay watches her pull herself together. “My dad plead guilty to domestic violence and got 3 years. He beat a kid and only got 3 years.”

Jay stands and moves to the chair next to Hailey. He keeps his hands to himself, but the table had made her too far from him. He wants to be there if she needs him.

“My mom couldn’t look at me after that and I was sent to live with my grandmother who...hated me because I was my mothers daughter.”

“Hailey...was this the first time you’ve seen your brother since that night?” He wants to tell her he’s sorry that happened to her, but like him, he knows she doesn’t want to hear that.

“I uh...I saw him once in prison. I was 12 and took a bus to see him on his 20th birthday. I had written to him a couple of times, so he knew I was coming, but he didn’t seem too happy to see me…”

“You were still a kid. He was probably thinking the same thing I’m thinking right now...that a prison is no place for a little girl.” Jay gauges her reaction and the little nod she gives him tells him his guess was right.

She tries...she really tries to stop the tears from welling up. She hadn’t seen it then. At the time it felt like once again, no one was choosing her...like the very last person she thought was on her side was telling her she wasn’t worth it. She doesn’t even remember the bus ride home after that. She’d closed herself off a little more everyday after that until she was just a shell of the girl she had wanted to be. 

Even her grandmother had noticed the change in her, but it was too late. She had moved out when she was 15 and by 16, she had gotten emancipated. For the first time in her life, she was truly free to live her life the way she wanted. It was a constant struggle for the first year, but then it had gotten easier. She’d worked harder than any of the kids she went to school with and any free time she had not working or at school, she spent swimming. In the end, her hard work paid off and she got a full swimming scholarship to the University of Chicago.

“Hailey…” Jay reaches for her, but she stands up, moving away from him.

“No one ever chose me, Jay. And...I can accept that now. I can. But I also know what I deserve...and I deserve to be someone’s first choice.”

Jay’s hands rub at his face. He hadn’t seen this coming. He was more than happy that she was sharing her past with him but her last comment has the feeling of dread settling in his gut.

“I can’t compete with a ghost…”

“You couldn’t.” He stops whatever she had been about to say and sees the hurt flash across her face.

“You are nothing like Lena, Hailey. You’re night and day, and just like you, she could never compete with you.” The pain his words caused is still lingering in her eyes so he takes a breath and tries again. _He needs to make her see_.

“I can’t change the fact that I chose Lena first...I wouldn’t change that, Hailey. I’m sorry if that hurts you.” He’s standing right in front of her and his hands smooth the hair back from her face before they settle on her cheeks.

“All I can tell you is that...If you let me, I would choose you right now.” His forehead touches hers and the trembling in her breathing matches his. 

“I choose you, Hailey.” 

If he wasn’t touching her, she’s pretty sure she’d just collapse onto the floor. She’s waited forever to hear someone say those words to her...her entire life. _‘You can trust me, Hailey’_ His words from earlier echo in her head and she lets her hands grip his wrists tightly. _Maybe she can..._

  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there’s only one or two more chapters left after this. We do see more of Jay and Lena next chapter. Thanks for reading and for all the reviews!~Nan

There’s a slight moment of panic when Jay opens his eyes the next morning. He doesn’t know where he is. This used to happen a lot after Lena died. He’d drink until he couldn’t remember his own name and the amount of times he’d woken up in an unfamiliar place...he’d lost count.

He feels it then, a gentle pressure across his stomach and last night comes rushing back to him. _ Hailey...He’s at Hailey’s  _

The kitchen.  _ I choose you.  _ He remembers kissing her, lifting her up until she wound her legs around his back. She’d taken control of the kiss and he’d let her. Her hands were a blur as they skimmed over his shoulders and down his back, slipping under his flannel to touch his skin.

_ Fire... _ Her touch had sent flames licking up his back and he needed more. He carried her out of the kitchen and silently thanked her when she broke away from his mouth long enough to tell him where her bedroom was.

“Upstairs.” 

Up the stairs they went. She mumbled something out and rolled her hips against him causing him to falter on the stairs. He hadn’t been able to turn her in time, but managed to not to crush her when he fell on top of her. 

That was when she pulled his shirt off. His knee moved between her legs while he worked the button on her jeans, desperate to touch her. He wanted to make her burn for him the same way he was for her. 

Hailey can’t think. He’s barely even touched her and she feels like she could explode at any second.  _ Hurry _ . She doesn’t want slow right now and thankfully, it seems he doesn’t either. It’s her jeans...for some reason he can’t get the button and she laughs against neck before she pushes his hands out of the way to do it herself.

“Sorry…” He’s nervous. He won’t say it out loud but he’s pretty sure she knows already. It takes her a second to work the button free and then she’s placing his hands back where they were.

He’d taken her right there on the steps. It had been fast and intense and...easy. He’d been so worried he would mess it up again but it was like Hailey could feel the exact moment he’d start to slip away slightly and she’d cup his cheek and whisper his name, bringing him back to her. 

He wasn’t thinking about Lena. Not once had she even popped into his head during it, but he just kept thinking about after. 

_ Would he cry? What would she think of him if he did?  _

It hadn’t been an issue. After the steps, they finally made it to her bed and the image of Hailey leaning down over him, with her hair falling all around her shoulders...he never wants to forget that. 

The bed shifts as Hailey rolls onto her stomach and he holds his breath, waiting to see if she is awake. Chancing a look reveals her eyes are closed, so he takes the opportunity to scan her body. The skin just above the swell of her butt is visible and he lets his eyes travel up her spine. She’s got some marks on her back, mostly her shoulder blades, where they had dug into the steps. 

“Stop it…” Hailey’s voice startles him and he rolls completely onto his side to look at her.

“I’m not doing anything.” 

She can hear the smile in his voice and she opens her eyes to give him a half hearted glare.

“You’re staring…” Another mumble as she slides her arms under her head.

“Have you seen you?” Jay grins back at her and plays with the ends of her hair.

She doesn’t respond to that, just pulls herself up into a sitting position. Her hair naturally falls over her shoulders to cover her chest.

“I uh...wasn’t sure you’d still be here when I woke up.” Hailey hopes her voice sounds as neutral as she wants it to. She isn’t judging or trying to make him uncomfortable, she’s just genuinely surprised he stayed.

He’s surprised too. Just before he fell asleep last night, he’d thought about leaving before she woke up but then he’d looked down at her, curled against his side and he’d been happy. So he stayed. He’s very glad he did because this is a new version of Hailey. He could definitely get used to this side of her.

In a move she hadn’t expected, Jay grabs her shin and yanks her down the bed and under him before she can let out a shocked gasp. She starts to laugh but the look in his eyes stops her.

“I’m right where I want to be, Hailey.” He seals his lips to hers and then flips them over so she’s on top of him.

“Jay?” She doesn’t mind being on top, being in control, but this seems a little different than last night. Like he’s being careful.

“I was rough with you…” He touches the back of her shoulders to let her feel and he stares up at her when she sits back.

“I know…” Hailey lifts slightly to slide him inside her, tipping her head back, mouth opening on a sigh as he fills her, and then she leans down, stopping a breath away from his lips. “I liked it.”

* * *

“You were a responding officer.” He’d debated bringing up Hailey’s past to Trudy for the last 2 weeks, and until just now, he hadn’t been sure he would. He’s got questions still. Questions that he isn’t sure Hailey knows the answers to, but Platt would. He’s pretty sure she knows everything.

“Well give the Detective a gold star. You figure that out all on your own?” Trudy adds a sugar to her coffee in the downstairs break room and looks up at Jay, wondering what he’s going on about.

“No...Hailey. That’s how you know her. You were a responding officer that night. Right?” His voice is soft, not wanting anyone else to overhear their conversation. He hasn’t seen Hailey yet this morning, but he’s listening for her just in case.

“I don’t know what you’re talking…”

“I know. Hailey told me everything, so you can stop pretending.” Jay steps in front of her, blocking her exit. “I want to know about her dad.” There’s a slight pleading tone to his voice, but he stares her down, waiting her out.

“If you know, why are you asking me?” If he thinks she’s going to fall for some trick, he’s not very bright.

“Did you know she just found her brother, like a couple weeks ago? Randomly...on the street. I think she’s still processing that and honestly...I’m not sure she even knows. Is he still alive? Did they have any more kids? Is her mom still with him?” The questions he’d been too afraid to ask Hailey come pouring out.

“What makes you think I would know any of that? You think I just keep tabs on every person I’ve arrested?” 

“No, but I think you keep tabs on the people you care about. I just...I want to make sure with her brother coming back into the picture that that’s the biggest thing she has to worry about. Her name was all over the news a couple months ago. What if they try to find her?”

“They won’t.”

Jay and Trudy both turn towards the door to see Hailey standing there, a careful blank look on her face.

“Hailey…” Jay starts but stops at the look she gives him. 

“We got a case. Adam’s waiting out back for you.” She turns and leaves them both staring after her. She doesn’t have time for this right now.

“Shit…” Jay sighs and zips his jacket back up. He ignores Platt’s voice telling him he’d messed up.  _ He knows… _

* * *

“First floor clear. We’re heading upstairs.” Hailey’s voice is calm as the radio crackles to life in Jay’s ear. It has been one of those cases that just sort of took off and they’ve barely had a moment of down time over the last 14 hours. 

Jay is on the west side of the house watching the rest of his team from the alley. He gets a brief visual of Hailey and Kevin as they hit the first landing, and then a flash of movement from the upstairs window draws his attention.

“I got movement. Top floor, last room on your left.” The words barely leave his mouth before he sees their suspect jump out the window and land on the small patio roof below. “He’s running!” Jay is after him the second his feet hit the ground and he follows him as he takes off towards the front street.

He loses sight of him as they round the fencing in the front and suddenly he’s struggling to breathe as an old pipe is swung out of nowhere, connecting squarely with his chest. He’s stunned for a moment, having the wind knocked out of him and he works to get a breath in, barely managing to roll out of the way when the pipe is swung again.

Finally, he sucks in air and then lunges. The pipe clatters to the ground and Jay lands a punch to the guys midsection, then another to his face. It’s not all one sided though. Jay feels a trickle of blood down his cheek where the suspect had gotten a good punch in, and then he gains the upper hand and flips him, cuffing him quickly.

“Jay man...You good?” Adam hauls the guy from the ground, eyeing Jay as he pants on the ground.

“I’m good.” He wheezes it out and then pushes himself to a stand. 

“You’re bleeding.” Hailey stays back from Jay, even though she wants to run her hands over him to check how badly he’s hurt. She’s still mad with him about going behind her back to talk to Trudy though, so she stays put.

“Nice work, Halstead. Let’s get this guy back to the station and close this one up.” Voight slaps Jay on the back and Hailey sees the pain he tries to hide. She holds his gaze for a second before Jay looks away, telling her he will see her back at the station. 

* * *

“You should go to MED...let them check you out.” Her eyes connect with his in the locker room mirror over the sink and she’s pretty sure he rolls his eyes at her.

“Fine...at least let me clean up your face properly.” She hears him sigh dramatically, but he straddles the bench and faces her when she sets the First Aid kit down.

“Hailey…” He starts to apologize but she cuts in.

“Don’t move.” Tearing a packet of gauze open, she pours some disinfectant on it and presses it none too gently to the cut on his cheek.

“OW! What the hell, Hailey. Is that rubbing alcohol?” He jerks his head back away from her and fans at the cut with his hand.

“Oops…” 

He just stares at her. He’s pretty sure she did that on purpose.

“Don’t be such a baby. Come here.” Hailey leans forward and her breath catches in her throat when Jay grabs her wrist. It’s not painful, but it’s firm enough to get her attention.

“I’m sorry.” He has to dip his head slightly to see her eyes, and then he says it again. “I’m sorry, Hailey. Believe it or not, I was trying to spare you. I realize now that I should have come to you.” His grip on her wrist loosens and his thumb brushes at the underside, where he can feel her pulse.

Hailey presses her lips flat and nods a little at him, agreeing with his words. “You should have come to me. I feel like I’ve been pretty open with you and I guess...I’m just confused as to why you felt like you needed to go to Trudy for answers instead of just asking me.”

Jay slides a little closer to her on the bench and their knees bump at the movement. “I know. I wanted to know where your parents were now and I wasn’t sure if you knew or not. I didn’t want to put more stress on you.” He takes the gauze from her hand and switches it out for one of the saline wipes the kit has.

Hailey smirks at the ‘HURT FREE’ label the little wipes come with, but she tears it open and this time, she’s a little more gentle as she cleans the cut. The both stay silent as she lets the wound dry, then swipes some Neosporin on it and places two butterfly bandages to keep the skin tight.

“All set.” She busies herself with tidying up the kit so she doesn’t see him reach for her until his hand brushes against her face.

“Thank you.” Jay touches his lips to hers briefly, giving her a chance to back out if she wants to, but she doesn’t. It’s quick, not meant to last and soon they are both standing.

“They died.” The little cabinet door where the kit is stored clicks shut and Hailey turns back to face Jay. “My mom had a massive heart attack 6 years ago, and my dad died from liver failure a year ago in May.” She lets out a shaking breath as she remembers getting notified that her dad died. She’d been alone for a long time by that point, but hearing he had passed...that she truly had no parents, no family...it had hit her pretty hard at the time.

“Come here.” Jay wraps her against him and rests his chin on her head. “I really am sorry, Hailey. And I’m sorry about your parents...even though I’m not really sad about them.” He’s sad for her...that she had been alone all that time. Sad that she missed out on years with her brother due to a misunderstanding.

“Just...come to me first next time, yeah?” If Jay sees the wetness in her eyes, he doesn’t mention it, and when he promises to seek her out first, she gives him a little smile.

“Can I buy you dinner? Make up for today?” They’re walking close together down the steps and he holds the gate open for her to walk through.

“If by dinner you mean an early lunch then yes. I’m totally in...as long as lunch is at my place and there’s a long nap involved.” Jay laughs at her and pulls out his phone as they exit. He pulls up their favorite Chinese menu for her to look at. When she smiles at him and tells him he better get his own egg roll, he makes a comment about ‘his’ egg roll that has them both laughing. It’s a race to get home after that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll apologize in advance for this...it sort of snuck up on me. I did not expect it as I was writing it. 
> 
> Song: Just give me a Reason by Pink and Nate Ruess

By the time summer finally hits Chicago, Jay and Hailey have settled into a pretty solid routine. When they stay the night with each other, it’s normally at Hailey’s place, which is fine with her because she’d moved and her new apartment was closer to the district. There’s a tiny part of her that wonders if that’s the only reason they never seem to stay at his place though. She can count on both hands the amount of times she’s been to his place, and she knows she’s only stayed the night 3 times out of them.

She isn’t trying to look for drama, but there’s a lot of times where Jay will look at her like maybe he’s seeing someone else. She always holds her breath and waits, wondering what he will say, but she’s quickly realized that he isn’t open to sharing that part with her. 

She’s happy...genuinely happy for the first time in her life and it’s due in large part, to Jay. He’s been right beside her while she and Phillip rebuild their relationship and she only wishes he would let her help him the same way. All she can do is be there and wait for him to let her in.

Hailey has been with Intelligence for 5 months and every week she wonders if this will be her last. There hasn’t been a lot of talk about Kevin’s partner, but Hailey knows it’s only a matter of time before her temporary place here will be gone. She tries to just keep her head down and do her job, wanting to at least get her name in Voight’s mind for when a permanent spot opens.

“Earth to Hailey…” 

Hailey turns when she registers someone calling her.

“Hey, Will. How’s it going?” Her smile is genuine as she pulls back from the quick hug he offers her. They’ve gotten close over the last couple of months and Hailey really likes the older Halstead brother. She’s known him for a while through Maura, but only since she and Jay started dating, did she really get to know him.

“I’m good. I’m just waiting for Jay.” He was supposed to pick her up after he was done at the gym, but he seemed to be running a little late.

“Yeah...He uh...He asked if I could take you into the district.” He’d tried to sound nonchalant about it, but he clearly failed.

“Is he okay? I haven’t heard from him.” She pulls her phone out to check for a text but the screen is blank. She had gone to a baseball game with her brother yesterday afternoon and now that she thinks about it, she hadn’t heard from Jay since that morning.

“Yeah. He’s okay...or he will be in a couple days.” He leads her back around the corner to his car and they both climb in.

“What aren’t you telling me?” After buckling in, she tilts her head, questioning him.

Will pulls out of the parking spot and starts in the direction of the 21st. He’s not sure what to tell her. It seems she has no idea the significance this day holds.  _ Jay hadn’t told her… _

“Will?” On top of her worry, she’s starting to get annoyed. “Just tell me he’s not hurt...tell me something, please.” 

The exhale he releases ricochets in the tiny space and thankfully, the building comes into view.

“Hailey...he’s not hurt. Not physically. Look, I’d tell you if I knew he would be okay with it, but I know he’ll be pissed.” The truth is, he’s not sure telling Hailey would help Jay anyway. 

“Just give him some space today, okay?” 

“Yeah…” She wants to ask him more, but the words don’t come.  _ Lena... _ That’s the most logical reason for Jay’s sudden change. Thanking him for the ride, she shuts the door and heads inside. It’s doubtful she will be productive today at all.

* * *

By the time Jay gets back to his apartment, it’s dark out. He’d spent the day just walking around. Yesterday, he’d dropped Hailey off at the stadium and as he was driving back home, a radio ad came loud and clear over the speakers of his truck.

**_“That’s right Nate, the warehouse is full and we need to clear it out. Come on down to Buddy’s Furniture Warehouse this Friday, June 11th…”_ **

June 11th...June 11th... _ Lena _

He started shaking so bad that he had to pull to the side of the road to get himself together. He’d not been paying attention to the date. The past few months with Hailey had been really good and he’d been so engrossed with moving forward and just...living, that he’d almost forgotten.

June 11th, 2015, at 9:37pm, he and Lena had been stopped at a red light. The night comes back like a movie in his mind.

_ “Will really seems to like her. Maybe she’s the one.” Lena finishes smoothing the chapstick on her lips and smiles over at Jay. She’s a hopeless romantic, she knows, but Maura and Will really did seem like they were a good match. _

_ “I hate to say it, but you know...I think you’re right.” He grins over at her, grabbing her hand and placing it under his on his thigh. _

_ “Sorry? I don’t think I heard you correctly.” She leans over the middle as much as she can with her seatbelt on and she smiles against his lips when he repeats that she was right. _

_ The light takes forever to change so Jay knows he has a bit of time and he deepens the kiss, loving the way her cherry chapstick mixes with the taste of her. They’re both breathing heavily when he pulls back. _

_ “I love you.” His thumb brushes the glossy chapstick that smudged before he turns to look out the windshield. _

_ “I love you too.”  _

It’s the last thing he ever said to her, which in a way was poetic. Lena would probably say it was. No sooner had the words left her mouth when a blinding white light came barreling towards them. He hadn’t even had time to brace himself. The driver had been texting and ran the light, jumping the median and slamming into the front end of the truck on Jay’s side. He remembers the metal crunching and the sound the windshield had made as it crackled within the laminate. It was like time had slowed down and he vividly remembers watching the glass break from the left of his truck all the way to the right.

The horn from the other driver had rang out long after the impact ended. He’d thought the sound was just in his head, like a ringing in his ears, but it never stopped. He remembers hoping Lena couldn’t hear him shouting for her over it. He hadn’t felt any pain, most likely from the adrenaline coursing through him, but he knew when he tried to lift his right arm to touch Lena, that something was wrong with it.

He’d struggled to unbuckle and then he reached for her. She had been unconscious. He knew that, but he couldn’t see the right side of her head, which is where the damage was. The impact of the car hitting him had either hit in such a manner that the side airbags didn’t deploy, or they were faulty. Lena had been flung sideways even with her seatbelt on, where her head cracked off the door frame. He couldn’t see the clear fluid leaking from her ear, but he could see the blood from her nose and the cut on the side of her head as it flowed down her cheek onto her blue tank top. 

She had died right there next to him. He’d walked away from the crash with a concussion and his arm broken in two places. Lena hadn’t been so lucky. Outwardly, aside from the blood, she had looked okay. She died from massive blunt force trauma to the head.  _ It should have been him. _ The car had struck his side but Lena had paid the ultimate price. 

Like the last 2 anniversaries of her death, he’d spent this one at Lena’s favorite spot along the lake walk. He doesn’t drive. He’s not sure he will ever drive on this day again. He had a bottle of whiskey tucked into a backpack he was carrying, but he couldn’t bring himself to drink it. He still misses her... _ So fucking much,  _ but the thought of drinking himself into oblivion faded quickly when he got to the bench. He just wanted to sit and imagine her right next to him. 

That’s all he did today. He didn’t talk to her. He knows he wouldn’t hear her voice so he’d kept quiet, just enjoying the view and the soft smiles he’d picture on her face.

“Hey.”

Jay stops abruptly, looking at the familiar face of Hailey sitting on the steps to his building. Aside from telling Will to go get her, he hadn’t thought about her all day.  _ What did that mean? _

“What uh...what are you doing here?” He wasn’t expecting to see her tonight. He’d thought that with the way he closed himself off from her today that she would be pretty upset with him. He thought he would have until at least tomorrow to deal with everything.

“I was worried about you.” She stands up, dusting the back of her jeans off. She’s been sitting here for over an hour. She had pieced together what today was to him, and then she had spoken to Will again and he told her that he doesn’t drive today. That had made her feel marginally better. She had thought he was just ignoring her from his apartment.

“I’m okay, Hailey.” He isn’t completely lying. The day’s almost over and he just keeps holding onto that.

“Jay...talk to me. I can handle whatever it is. Maybe I can even help.” She takes a step closer to him but he sidesteps her and opens the door.

“I said I’m fine.” Stepping into the building, he holds the door open for her, waiting. His eyes pinch shut when she just shakes her head. 

“Hailey…” Her name sounds like a plea. He doesn’t want to fight with her, but he still doesn’t know how to deal with missing Lena and not hurting her. It really hasn’t been that much of an issue. It will hit him out of nowhere sometimes but he’s gotten pretty good at covering.

“It’s okay. I’m just...gonna go.” Her smile never reaches her eyes as she looks up at him. She had wanted to see him, to just be there for him, but standing here in front of him now...it might not have been her best idea. He’s shutting her out.

“I miss her.” He blurts the words out, only wanting to stop her. He doesn’t like the tone her previous words had carried. 

Hailey turns back to Jay, finding him sitting in the same spot she’d just vacated. There’s a part of her that had been expecting this. A part that had just been waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

“I miss her, Hailey.” His head drops into his hands and he rubs at the back of his neck. “I miss her and I don’t know how to do that without hurting you.” 

Hailey stands where she turned, hands in her pockets. Even now, when she’s sure she’s going to leave here with her heart in pieces, she only wants to go to him...to comfort him. With a heavy sigh, she lets her feet carry her to him, joining him on the step.

“You never talk about her.” 

“You never asked about her and I guess...I guess I just assumed you weren’t okay with it.” He clasps his hands between his knees and stares out at the street.

Neither of them speak for a long time. He’s waiting for her to say something and she’s just trying to figure out what to tell him. She would never be upset that he missed his wife. Maybe they were moving too fast.

“What did you say?” She hears his shocked question and it's then that she realizes that she spoke out loud.

“It’s just...you said it yourself when we first met. You weren’t ready for anything serious. Maybe it’s too much too soon.” The words feel like glass as they leave her mouth. The last thing she wants is to end things with him. She cares about him, probably  _ loves _ him if she lets herself think about it, but if he wants out, she will give him an out.

“Too much...So that’s it.” He pushes up and takes a couple steps away before he rounds on her again. “You decide I’m not ready and that’s that.”

“I’m not trying to  _ decide  _ anything, Jay. I’m trying to tell you that I can feel when you keep things from me. You think I don’t know that you miss her?” He really isn’t that good at hiding it, or maybe she can just read him better than he realizes.

“So...what do we do now?” He’s looking down at her and the way her chin trembles slightly, kills him. 

“I think it might be a good idea for us to slow down...take a break, before…” The emotion she’d been desperate to hold onto breaks free and a lone tear slides down her cheek. 

“Before what?” He can’t believe this is happening. Somehow he’d gone from not wanting to meet anyone new, to needing Hailey. He’s not ready to end this.

“Before it’s too late to stop.”  _ Before I’m so in love with you that I won’t get over you.  _ A few more tears escape and she brushes them away, embarrassed that they are falling at all.

All the anger and frustration leaves him. He’s been hurting her this whole time and he never even knew it. 

“Okay.” Jay steps close enough to touch her, but the way she wraps her arms around herself stops him from doing so. “What do you want to do?” He doesn’t want to make this decision but he knows before she even speaks that she’s going to make him choose.

“That’s up to you. If you decide that a break is what’s best, I think we will be okay. If this is how things end with us...I don’t hate you, Jay. That’s what’s important. No matter what you decide, I won’t hate you, and even though it will be hard, we will still be able to be around each other and work together.” Maybe if she says that enough, it will be true.

“Just think about it, okay? We don’t need to decide tonight. I um...I have court Monday and Tuesday so that’s a couple days for you to think it over. And I mean it...whatever you decide, we will be okay.” The tears fall faster now and she turns to walk to her car.

“Hailey wait…” He could tell her any number of things right now,  _ I don’t want a break...Slowing down is no good...I love you... _ They’re all there on tip of his tongue but they won’t come. She probably wouldn’t believe him anyway. He reaches out to take hold of her hand, letting the warmth of her fingers wind with his.

“I’ll see you Wednesday.” He doesn’t get a response from her and it takes everything in him to stay put and not beg her to stay. She’s not wrong...that’s what sticks out the most. It all came to a head tonight, but he had been keeping things from her since the start and now he has to deal with the fallout. Would it even be fair to drag her down into his grief with him?

That bottle of whiskey in his bag is suddenly seeming like a good choice right now.

  
  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and reviewing! I love each and every one of them. This was originally meant to be the last chapter, but I broke it in two because it was getting really long. Also, there is not a song as of right now for this one...The song I have is for what would have been the last part of this but now it's another part so just...think of a good song and let me know! I'll hopefully have the final chapter up by Friday. Enjoy~Nan

“I’m not trying to tell you that you look like shit...but you know…” Phillip motions with his finger towards Hailey. From where he’s sitting, it looks like she hasn’t slept in a couple days and the sharp cut to her cheek bone tells him she’s not been eating properly. He was hoping for a snide remark from her. A joking smile, anything, really, but she gives him nothing and it’s somehow worse than if she had.

She shouldn’t have come this morning. She hadn’t wanted to and she’d been moments away from sending him a text but then the years they missed made her stop. She hasn’t seen him in a couple weeks because he was working on a site outside the city, so she had forced herself to get up and meet him.

“Work’s just been exhausting.” That’s all she gives him. They’ve gotten close quickly since they reconnected, but she isn’t sure they are at a point in their relationship where she can dump all her issues on him.

“Just work? I uh...haven’t heard you mention Jay in a while. Something happen?” He can see the pain she’s trying to hide in her eyes but getting her to let him in has been slow moving. The trust is fragile between them still, but he’s hopeful she will realize he’s a person she can rely on.

“No, it’s just work.” With her tongue pressed tight to the roof of her mouth, she’s able to stem the rush of tears that threaten. At just the mention of his name, she feels like a weight is pressing her whole body down.  _ She misses him… _

“Okay.” He wants to press her for answers, but he can tell she’s only just keeping it together. “You know I’m here if you need to just...talk or vent, right?”

“Yeah, thanks.” She reaches for her tea and takes a long sip, trying to ease the tightness in her throat. Just when she is about to change the subject to something lighter, her phone rings, cutting breakfast short.

“It’s my turn to pay.” Her hand shoves his out of the way as she stands, grabbing some bills from her wallet. “Want to try to do something this weekend?” The smile she returns to him feels foreign on her lips, like she’s sort of forgot how to, but she forces herself to hold it and tells him she’ll call him later. 

Work was waiting.

* * *

It’s been three weeks. Three weeks with only a single text message from him.  _ I need more time _ . That was all he said. She had come back as promised on that Wednesday, ready to pretend that nothing was wrong, but Kevin had told her that Jay took some personal time and was going to be off the rest of the week. She’d been called into Voight’s office not long after that and was told that Vanessa was back and would be ready to start on Monday. He’d commended her on her stellar performance and assured Hailey that the moment a spot opened up, she was his top pick. 

They’d bumped her to Guns and Gangs because there wasn’t a spot at Robbery/Homicide for another couple of weeks still and she’s spent her time there relearning everything she thought she knew. 

If she thought Voight had a tendency to color outside the lines at times, these guys were using a different book entirely. She was currently partnered with Detective Trevor Wills. He’d been on the job for over 10 years and apparently, has seen ‘some things…’ He’s about as friendly as a rattlesnake, which makes all the stakeouts and surveillance jobs they do, extremely fun.

She’s listening to him now as he tells her for the 100th time what her responsibilities are for tonight’s raid. She’s the ‘girlfriend’ of the buyer. Apparently, she’s only useful as arm candy to this team. She can’t wait until something else opens up.

She’s more than ready to get this over with when they finally step into the club later that night. The guy she is with is another detective from the unit who thankfully seems to believe Hailey is actually capable of doing her job. The whole thing takes less than an hour. It was very anticlimactic and for Hailey, a huge waste of time. She’s glad it went off without any issues, but they prepared for it for so long she almost wished something  _ had  _ happened.

“Hey, good work tonight.” Hailey shoulders her bag and looks back towards the voice. It’s the ‘buyer’ from tonight. Max Dickens...Dixon...Dickinson...she doesn’t really remember. She’s met so many people today.

“Yeah. Thanks...you too.” She ducks her head, starting down the hallway but he calls out to her.

“You uh...you want to grab a drink?” He’s closer to her than she thought and his eyes smile invitingly down at her.

There’s a part of her that wants to say yes. She wants a drink. Strike that...she  _ needs  _ a drink, but he isn’t the person she wants to drink with. She wants Jay. She wants someone who can’t want her back right now. If she says yes, maybe she can forget about him for a little. 

“It’s a group of us going...so you know...it wouldn’t be like a date or anything.” He must notice her internal struggle because the way he mentions it’s not a date feels like he’s trying to convince her without making her uncomfortable.

“I’m...gonna pass. Maybe another time.” With a fake smile plastered on her face, she hurries past him this time and lets out a breath of relief when she gets outside. She can drink at home. It’s Tuesday tomorrow which means it’s her day off. She can drink all she wants tonight.

* * *

“You want another?” 

“I’m good, Stella. Thanks.” Jay stares at the whiskey that’s in front of him. It’s the same glass she gave him an hour ago. It turned warm a long time ago. He’s supposed to be sitting on the dock at his cabin with Hailey this weekend. They’d made plans weeks ago to spend the 4th of July together, but then...things changed.

He doesn’t know what to say to her, never does, it would seem. He doesn’t know how to convince her that she is what he wants. And she is...what he wants. He’s been miserable these last couple of weeks. He came back from his PTO and she was gone. Hadn’t even told him she got transferred out...just gone. He hasn’t seen her at all. Hasn’t spoken or texted with her since he asked for more time.

More time to be absolutely certain that he could be with her the way she deserves. He knows he needs to let her in a little. He needs to tell her about Lena. He needs to tell her that he thinks about her still, but mostly in regards to her. Is it weird that he talks to his dead wife about someone he's seeing? Probably...

He should just get it over with. Call her or stop over and see her. So that’s what he does. 

Or it was what he was about to do. His phone rings the second he pulls it from his back pocket. His heart starts racing when he gets a look at the name on the screen.

“Hey. What’s…”

“You need to get to MED.” Phillip’s fear laced voice cuts him off and suddenly, his hands are shaking so bad he can hardly hold the phone. 

“Hailey?”  _ Please...please be okay _

“She was in an accident. They...they just brought her in. Oh my God....” 

Jay listens for a second as some sort of commotion comes over the line and then it goes dead, his own phone dropping and shattering on the floor.

_ No, no, no... _ This can’t be happening. Not again. He can’t possibly have done anything so soul damning to deserve this cruelty twice in one lifetime. 

* * *

Time seems to stop completely and speed up all at once. Jay has no clue how he gets to the hospital. His truck keys are in his pocket, but he’s also gasping for breath like he sprinted the entire way. He hopes he ran. The idea that he drove here with no recollection...that scares him.

People are just going about their day like his isn’t crashing all around. Nobody here cares about the blue eyed girl that he...that he... _ loves. Fuck...he loves her. When did that happen?  _

He just keeps moving. He can’t think about anything but seeing her. Everything else can wait. 

“Easy, Jay.” Hands are grabbing him, steadying him as he sees her name on the intake board of the ED. 

“Please... _ please… _ ” He has no idea what he’s asking. Please be okay...Please be alive...Please let me see her. He might be sick. He feels like he’s going to pass out.  _ Hailey… _

“She’s okay. Jay. Look at me...she’s okay.” Will tries to calm him down, but his brother either ignores him or honestly can’t hear him. He looks lost in his own mind. He makes the decision to just lead him to Hailey. Let him see for himself.

30 seconds later, Will knocks quietly on the door to her room but doesn’t get an answer. Before he can knock again, Jay pushes him aside and barges into the room. 

“Get out.” The words, practically growled out from Jay’s throat, are thrown at Will. There, standing at the foot of the bed is Hailey, seemingly struggling to get dressed. He knows Will is a doctor and has probably seen thousands of women undressed, but Hailey, naked from the waist up, is too much for him. He doesn’t want anyone else to see her like this. 

The second the door clicks shut behind a stunned Will, Jay moves to her. Neither speak as they take the other in. Her arms are crossed protectively across her breasts as she holds his gaze. His chest is heaving with the force of his breaths and his heart feels as though it might explode at any second.

“I’m fine, Jay.” There’s a slightly wild look in his eyes that she can’t stand to see. Some bumps and bruises...A minor concussion...She really is okay. 

Her voice snaps him out of it and then his hands are a blur as they roam over her body checking for himself. He’s got no clue that the thoughts running through his head are also being said aloud by him.

“Thought you were dead…I don’t want to lose you...I  _ can’t _ lose you, too…” He goes on and on until finally, his hands come to stop at the sides of her head, tipping it back to look at her.

“I’m right here, Jay.” Her hands slide down his arm, stopping at his elbows. “I’m okay.” She shivers, reminding them both that she’s standing in just her jeans, and Jay reaches for her shirt on the bed.

“It’s not mine…” Her shirt is covered in blood from the other driver. A teen who’d been trying to make curfew, speeding and didn’t stop in time. “Jay…” She tries to get his attention again, but he continues to stare at the stained shirt in his hand.

Jay’s legs choose that moment to give out on him, all the adrenaline keeping him upright, gone. He collapses onto the hospital bed and shuts his eyes. He can’t look at the shirt anymore. He can’t stand the sight of all that blood...even if it’s not hers. It could have been. He knows better than anyone how quickly life can change, how easily he could be standing over a lifeless body right now.

“Can I have my shirt back?” Hailey tries to pull the shirt from him, she really is cold, but Jay doesn’t let go. Instead, he tosses the shirt into the red biohazard bin in the corner of the room before pulling his short sleeve henley over his head.

“Here, take this.” The moment is identical to the night they first met. Jay handing her his shirt. Their fingers brushing. A soft ‘thanks’ from her. This time though, the second Hailey has the shirt on, Jay hauls her against him. He’s crushing her. Surely she can’t breathe, but he doesn’t care. Her heart is beating strong and clear against his chest and there isn’t a thing he can think of that would feel better than this right here.

With his shirt still warm from his body, his scent wafting all around her, and his arms holding her tight, she feels... _ safe. _ She feels...cared for. 

A throat clears and Jay feels Hailey stiffen slightly in his hold. He should let her go. Let her step away from him but he can’t. He shifts her, sitting her on the bed beside him, his arm holding her to him.

“Hey. Sorry to uh...interrupt. Dr. Halstead sent me with these.” Phillip has her release papers in his hand. He’d been prepared to take his sister home, but now he thinks he might have been relieved of that duty.

“Thanks.” Hailey starts to stand, but Jay’s hold keeps her in place. She lets out a slightly frustrated breath and touches his knee. “I’m just gonna be right there, Jay. Can you let go?” Her voice is calm, soothing. She’s got a pretty good idea where his head is right now. She wonders if he is even seeing her right now. Maybe he is seeing  _ her…Lena. _

“Am I taking you home or is…”

“I will.” Jay stands quickly. “I mean...I want to. I don’t actually know if I drove here.” 

“Can you drop us at my place?” Hailey speaks up, looking between Jay and Phillip. Thankfully, Phillip agrees and Jay doesn’t object to the arrangement. They’re on their way to her apartment 15 minutes later.

* * *

“How long are you going to do this?” 

Jay looks up from his seat on the closed toilet, head lifting from his hands. Hailey has the curtain pulled back and the dark circles under her eyes look like twin bruises in this light.

“Do what?”

“Are you going to stay in here while I dry off? While I go to the bathroom?” They’ve been at her apartment for about an hour now and she’s spent most of it in the shower. Blood stains her nail beds and she keeps scrubbing and scrubbing, hoping to clear them. She doesn’t even know if it’s actually there, or if it’s just in her head. And Jay...Him sitting on the toilet is the furthest he’s been from her since they left the hospital. She’d left the door open for him, but apparently, it hadn’t been good enough. 

She would laugh if it weren’t for the haunted look in his eyes. He looks...tired. Like even breathing is too strenuous at this point. He’s barely said anything since they got in the car to come here. Her brother had said something to him just before leaving and the way they both turned to look at her made her squirm. They were clearly talking about her...or Phillip was anyway. Jay just shook his head a couple times and then took her brother's hand, saying something she couldn’t hear. She couldn’t hear what Jay said, but Phillip’s voice carried across to her. “You’d better…” She doesn’t know what they were talking about so she has no clue what his words meant.

“I thought you were dead.” The words leave his mouth and they sound slurred...thick, like he’s drunk. He’s exhausted. He feels like he aged 20 years in the last 2 hours. “Your brother called but the line went dead and the last thing I heard was a lot of yelling and your brother saying ‘oh my god’...it took me 15 minutes to get to the hospital, and then another 5 until I actually saw you. In my mind, you were dead for 20 minutes, Hailey...only...It felt like a lifetime.” Uncertainty fills him and the thought that maybe she doesn’t even want him here sets up shop in his mind.

“I’m sorry...for being overbearing. I’m uh...really glad you’re okay.”  _ Just leave...you’re making a fool of yourself... _ His feet carry him into the bedroom and he registers the water shutting off, followed by the screech of the curtain. 

“Don’t leave!” Wet fingers that have been scrubbed raw grab his hand, stopping him. Hailey waits, water sliding off her body as he turns around, pulling the towel she’d hastily grabbed tighter around her herself. 

“I am okay, Jay.” It’s the hundredth time she’s said it, but he still doesn’t seem to believe her.

“Are you? Okay?” He takes a step toward her and pulls her hand away from the towel to open it. He slowly peels it from her body, not satisfied with the look he had gotten in the hospital. “Are you really okay or is that what you think I need to hear?” There’s a perfect mark from her seatbelt that slants from her left shoulder down to her right hip and then straight across her stomach. 

Her eyes never leave his face. She is so focused on being still for him that when she finally shutters out a breath, her whole body shakes with it. No one has ever undressed her for a purpose other than sex. It’s very clinical, not an ounce of sexual desire in his eyes as they scan her body, and yet somehow, it’s one of the most intimate moments of her entire life. No matter what he’s battling in his head, he truly cares for her. She wants to cry. Instead, she relents and tells him the truth.

“My head hurts.” She holds her arms out as he puts the towel back in place, securing it. “And my shoulder is a little sore, but…”

“You’re fine...yeah. I got it.” He’s moving again back into the bathroom and she can hear him rifling around in her medicine cabinet.

“Don’t you have anything other than Motrin and Aspirin?” He wants to give her something for her head and shoulder, but he knows both of those drugs carry the risk of increased bleeding with a head injury.

“There…” She’s pointing to the shelf with her tampons on it and Jay doesn’t even blink at them as he moves them aside to get the Tylenol behind them. She accepts the pills and the little paper cup of water he hands her, taking them immediately. 

“Do you want to dry your hair?” He’s pulling the covers down on her side of the bed, but he’s watching her as she dresses. He’s afraid that if he loses sight of her, he’ll wake up and realize that he’s actually still at the hospital, waiting to identify her body. So yeah...he doesn’t want her out of his sight.

“It’s fine.” She finger combs her hair before pulling it over her shoulder and braiding it quickly. This way, it won’t be a wild mess in the morning. The second her body hits the bed, she is fighting sleep.

“Can I…” Her eyes blink open to see him gesturing to the far side of the bed. He’s asking her if he can stay. She mumbles something that sounds a lot like get in, and her eyes fall shut listening to his jeans hit the floor. A second later the bed dips and Jay’s scent washes over her. 

“This doesn’t change anything…” Even as she speaks the words, she’s reaching for his hand, pulling him closer to her.

“I don’t care about any of that right now. You...right here, right now...that’s what I care about. Everything else can wait.” He presses his face against the back of her head, inhaling the smell of her conditioner. His whole body relaxes on an exhale and the weight that’s been on his shoulders since she last walked away vanishes. 

It can wait. It can all wait.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the end. Thanks so much for reading.  
> Song: Tell your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey

The dull pounding behind her eyes wakes her much too early for her liking. She just wants to go back to sleep. Back to her dream. She doesn’t really remember it, but the fuzzy warm feeling still fading tells her it was a good one.

Hailey rolls onto her back and lets her arm reach out, her fingers brushing against cold sheets. Her eyes close on a groan and she lays the back of her hand over her face.

What did she expect? She’d told him nothing changed. 

“Stupid...stupid…” Her hand smacks her forehead, which she immediately regrets.

“Should I come back?” Jay’s question earns him a shriek and then he’s frowning when she groans again, clutching her head.

“Hang on.” He disappears into the bathroom, returning with the bottle of Tylenol. “Is it worse than last night?” He waits for her to tell him she’s fine, but she actually nods, and he knows her head is really bothering her. Sitting on the side of the bed, he passes her the pills and some chocolate milk.

“Is this...Where did you get chocolate milk?” Hailey swallows the pills and takes another large drink of the milk. The milk that she knows wasn’t here.

“I was going to try and make you breakfast, but you only had some dry cereal. I just ran to the bodega on the corner.” The bag he’s holding also has a toasted bagel with strawberry cream cheese and he passes it to her.

“How did you get back in?” Carefully pushing herself into a sitting position, she unwraps the bagel and looks over at him. 

“You gave me a key for emergencies...remember? And before you tell me that bagels and chocolate milk do not constitute an emergency, just remember...I've seen ‘Hangry Hailey’ in all her glory. I did us both a favor.” He nudges her shoulder gently and laughs at her. They both know her temper is very quick when she’s hungry.

They sit in silence for a bit, both enjoying their food. It’s almost normal...if they forget about the accident, the three weeks of silence, the break...almost.

“Don’t you have to work today?” She doesn’t mind the company, but she doesn’t wasn’t want him to feel obligated to be here.

“Took the day.” He passes the garbage between his hands, feeling a lot like last night, wondering if she wants him here or not.

“Jay?” Hailey’s feet hit the floor and she starts after him, catching up to him in the kitchen. “I know yesterday was probably really hard for you, but you don’t have to babysit me. I’m…”

“If you say you’re fine to me one more time…” The garbage can lid slams down harder than he meant and he sees her jump out of the corner of his eye.

“Yeah, Hailey...Yesterday was  _ hard.  _ Yesterday sucked. But I think your reasons and my reasons are different.”

“Your wife died in a car accident...and I’m your...I was your…” She huffs out a breath because she has no clue what they are right now. 

Undecided...that’s what they are.

“You are a person I…”  _ Love “ _ I care very deeply for.” He wanted to wait to have this conversation, apparently, it was happening now.

“I didn’t want to. Care for you, that is...I tried and tried to just not think about you like that, but you just kept showing up. I saw you everywhere. Shit, Hailey...you invaded my dreams.” He rubs at a spot on the table and tries to calm down. It’s like she doesn’t even know how big his feelings for her are. Had he really closed himself that much from her?

“I’m just saying that it couldn’t have been easy to get that call and not know if I was okay or not...because of...what happened with your wife.” There. She said it. Now it’s out there and he can think whatever he wants to about it.

“Lena died right next to me. Did you know that?” He knows she read the report on the accident. Will had told him. He doesn’t wait for her to answer, just pushes on. “I never saw it coming. One second she was there, right next to me...telling me she loved me, and then the next, I was watching her die. Powerless to do a damn thing. I know you think my feelings for you are mixed up with the feelings I had for Lena, but let me be very clear right here.” He moves closer to her, forcing her to look up at him, to listen to him. “Aside from thinking that this couldn’t possibly be happening again, I was only thinking about  _ you  _ yesterday. I was terrified of losing  _ you.  _ I was worried about  _ you _ .” His hands cradle her face and his lips touch her forehead.

“Jay, I…”

“Lena was left handed.” He doesn’t acknowledge that she spoke. Just drops his hands and moves to lean against the counter. He just wants to get all this out while he can and then hopefully…hopefully they can start to rebuild what they had. 

“All the cup handles and drink containers in the fridge were all turned to the left because of that. It’s one of the first things I noticed when I came here. Your toothpaste is on the right side because you brush with your left...just like Lena.” 

For how physically different Hailey and Lena were, the similarities between them were crazy. Hair ties on the left wrist, warped jean pockets on the left side because that’s where they both kept keys and phones. Ink and graphite smears on the side of their left hands.

“I know you think I’m still in love with her or that you’re just some sort of replacement for her, but you’re wrong. I will always love her. I married her...I better have loved her.” He stares over at her from his spot and he wishes he could give her what she deserves. The truth is...as much as he cares for her, he’s still probably a ways off from being able to commit to a serious relationship.

“It took me a long time to accept that I was even allowed to move on...to be happy without her. The guilt nearly killed me at the beginning. I’d push down how much I missed her, trying to forget about it because I knew it wasn’t fair to you, but the second you’d leave, it felt like I couldn’t breathe.” He didn’t want to forget about  _ Lena,  _ he just wanted to forget how much he missed her.

“Jay, I would never ask you to forget about her. It’s never even crossed my mind.” She moves to him, her hand settles over his, fingers squeezing gently. “If the good memories outweigh the bad ones, why  _ should  _ you forget?” All she’s ever wanted was for him to trust her enough to share that part of himself with her. 

“I’d get trapped in this cycle...You’d do something that would remind me of her and I’d miss her so much. Then I’d hate myself a little for missing her because you’re this...incredible person who...for whatever reason wants...wanted me, and you were right there, but I couldn’t stop missing her.”

_ Wants... _ She should tell him that she still wants him, but she knows what’s happening here. Could feel it in the way he held her last night. He’s letting her go. As much as it hurts, she knows it’s the right decision. He isn’t ready. He never was, but what they had was real. He’s just too good a guy to try and work through all this while still being with her.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I tried to keep that part hidden from you.” His chin lowers slightly as he swallows thickly. “If I was a selfish guy I’d keep you...or at the very least, ask you to wait for me, but I’m not. I wasn’t looking for you. In fact, I was dead set on dismissing you as soon Maura told me about you, but I went that night anyway.” He moves, taking her face in his hands. “Because when you smiled at me that night in the bar, I swear it felt like I was staring into the sun. You have a light inside you that rivals it, and when I first saw it, my heart started to beat a little faster. Like it was waking up. I realized then that the years after Lena died I was only surviving. You showed me how to live again.” He hears himself say those words and all he can think is how cheesy he sounds...like a Hallmark movie or something, but it's the truth. She shines and exudes this warmth that makes you want to know her. 

“It’s okay, Jay.” It will be...maybe not today or this month, but she will move on from this.

“Everything I feel for you...It was real, Hailey. Please believe that.” He feels like the worst kind of guy right. Like he led her on...It just wasn’t their time right now.

“I know.” It’s why it hurts so much. She wraps her arms around him in a hug, holding him close. 

“Is being friends out of the question?” By her sharp inhale, he guesses it is. Giving her up now might be giving her up forever.

Hailey steps out of the hug keeping her back to him as she discreetly wipes at the moisture on her face. “I’m gonna need some time to uh…”  _ Say it...it won’t change anything anyway… _ ”Jay I...I need time to stop loving you.” She can see his hands grip the table like he’s trying to stop himself from coming for her. The decision he made is the right one...even if it’s painful.

“You’ll uh, let me know when you’re ready? And I know you aren’t with Intelligence anymore but don’t think you can’t have a drink with us when you see us at the bar.” He knows how close Hailey got with Kevin during the months she was there. He doesn’t want her to feel like she had to give that friendship up because of what was happening to them. He’s still got a long road ahead of him, but Hailey showed him it was possible.

* * *

Summer turns to fall and then before anyone is really ready, winter comes. Jay has kept his head down these last few months, powering through the cases his team gets. He joined a grief counseling group and made himself commit to at least two a month. Sometimes work prevents him from doing that, but most of the time, he’s there every week. 

The stories are hard to listen to. Some have lost their spouse. Some have lost siblings or parents, and the most difficult to listen to are the parents who’ve lost their children. 

Hearing other stories of loss helps him understand that losing Lena the way he did merciful. One man had gotten in a huge fight over his wife’s mom and they’d both stormed out of the house going their own way in anger. They’d spewed horrible words at each other. His wife was killed in a freak accident not even two hours later. She never came home that night and her husband has to live with the fact that the last words they spoke to each other were pure hate.

He and Lena fought...it wasn’t all perfect, but when she died, she was loved, and she knew it. Sometimes he feels like his loss isn’t big enough to be here, but others tell him how lucky he is to have been able to tell her he loved her moments before she passed. 

He feels good. Better than he has in a long time. Things are lighter...easier. He spends more time with Will and his friends now than he ever did. He’s even decided to spend this Christmas here in Chicago instead of by himself at the cabin. 

“Hey, don’t forget to bring that blue gift bag on the table.” Maura’s voice sounds in Jay’s ear through his cell. Her and Will are already at Molly’s with the rest of their friends.

“Blue gift bag…got it.” He grabs the bag and heads out, triple checking that nothing else is needed, before he hangs up the phone and starts down to his truck.

* * *

“Jay!” They scream for him as soon as he enters, like he can’t already hear them from the street. The bar is crowded, but Jay can hear Kim shouting at Adam about something all the way over here. They welcome him with hugs and high fives. They’re all happy Jay chose to be here this year. 

For the most part, the night goes pretty smoothly. There’s one moment where Adam offhandedly comments that Jay would know the rules of buying the rounds at the Christmas party if he ever bothered to show up. The whole table goes quiet. The whole table looks to Jay for how to proceed but he’s got nothing. 

“Shit...I wasn’t thinking man. Forget I said that, okay?” Adam looks completely embarrassed that he said it. They all know why he stopped coming around so much.

“It’s...okay. But, I am buying this round.” Jay stands, moving quickly from the table before anyone can say anything else. He can hear Kevin slap Adam hard on the back of the head, muttering something about keeping his mouth shut. It’s one uncomfortable moment in a series of funny ones. It’s going to be fine.

“Hey, Herman. Can I get 6 lemon drops, 6 whiskeys, and 4 waters?” He slides his card across the counter to start a tab and waits for his order. He’s sitting up there at the bar for about 10 minutes when someone slides onto the stool next to him. He shifts away slightly, keeping his eyes on the television about the bar. 

“Alright, Halstead. You tell Ruzek that if he pukes this year, he’s not only cleaning it up himself, but he’s gonna clean up the rest of the bar too.” Herman doesn’t wait around for a response, just moves on down the bar listening to orders as people call them out to him. 

Jay just shakes his head because...of course Adam puked last year. He’s a little disappointed he missed out on that. He’d have loved to have even more reasons to rip on him.

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you that shots are better with someone?” The voice stops him in his tracks and he turns slowly. 

He’s met with the bluest eyes he’s ever seen. Maybe this time was the right time.

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I'm not a terrible person and it was already written...Here it is. The alternate ending for this story. I do not have an epilogue planned so hopefully for those that wanted a Happily Ever After, this will suffice. I still believe that the chapter 8 ending is the true ending...but anyway, enjoy!
> 
> Song: You are in Love by Taylor Swift
> 
> The chapter changes where Jay tells Hailey that Lena was left handed.

The dull pounding behind her eyes wakes her much too early for her liking. She just wants to go back to sleep. Back to her dream. She doesn’t really remember it, but the fuzzy warm feeling still fading tells her it was a good one.

Hailey rolls onto her back and lets her arm reach out, her fingers brushing against cold sheets. Her eyes close on a groan and she lays the back of her hand over her face.

What did she expect? She’d told him nothing changed. 

“Stupid...stupid…” Her hand smacks her forehead, which she immediately regrets.

“Should I come back?” Jay’s question earns him a shriek and then he’s frowning when she groans again, clutching her head.

“Hang on.” He disappears into the bathroom, returning with the bottle of Tylenol. “Is it worse than last night?” He waits for her to tell him she’s fine, but she actually nods, and he knows her head is really bothering her. Sitting on the side of the bed, he passes her the pills and some chocolate milk.

“Is this...Where did you get chocolate milk?” Hailey swallows the pills and takes another large drink of the milk. The milk that she knows wasn’t here.

“I was going to try and make you breakfast, but you only had some dry cereal. I just ran to the bodega on the corner.” The bag he’s holding also has a toasted bagel with strawberry cream cheese and he passes it to her.

“How did you get back in?” Carefully pushing herself into a sitting position, she unwraps the bagel and looks over at him. 

“You gave me a key for emergencies...remember? And before you tell me that bagels and chocolate milk do not constitute an emergency, just remember...I've seen ‘Hangry Hailey’ in all her glory. I did us both a favor.” He nudges her shoulder gently and laughs at her. They both know her temper is very quick when she’s hungry.

They sit in silence for a bit, both enjoying their food. It’s almost normal...if they forget about the accident, the three weeks of silence, the break...almost.

“Do you feel up for a drive? There’s uh...somewhere I want to take you.” He grabs her wrapper and crumples it up with his before moving from the bed to throw them away. She’s just staring at him, and he’s pretty sure she’s going to tell him no. 

“Don’t you have to work today?” It’s not an answer, but it stops him and she waits as he turns back.

“Took the day.” He passes the garbage between his hands, feeling a lot like last night, wondering if she wants him here or not.

“Jay?” Hailey’s feet hit the floor and she starts after him, catching up to him in the kitchen. “I know yesterday was probably really hard for you, but you don’t have to babysit me. I’m…”

“If you say you’re fine to me one more time…” The garbage can lid slams down harder than he meant and he sees her jump out of the corner of his eye.

“Yeah, Hailey...Yesterday was  _ hard.  _ Yesterday sucked. But I think your reasons and my reasons are different.”

“Your wife died in a car accident...and I’m your...I was your…” She huffs out a breath because she has no clue what they are right now. 

Undecided...that’s what they are.

“You are a person I…”  _ Don’t say it...she’s probably not ready to hear it...“ _ I care very deeply for.” He wanted to wait to have this conversation. Maybe drive out to his cabin after all, and talk things over, but it looks like it was happening now. 

“I didn’t want to. Care for you, that is...I tried and tried to just not think about you like that but you just kept showing up. I saw you everywhere. Shit, Hailey...you invaded my dreams.” He rubs at a spot on the table and tries to calm down. It’s like she doesn’t even know how big his feelings for her are. Had he really closed himself that much from her?

“I’m just saying that it couldn’t have been easy to get that call and not know if I was okay or not...because of...what happened with your wife.” There. She said it. Now it’s out there and he can think whatever he wants to about it.

“Lena died right next to me. Did you know that?” He knows she read the report on the accident. Will had told him. He doesn’t wait for her to answer, just pushes on. “I never saw it coming. One second she was there, right next to me...telling me she loved me, and then the next, I was watching her die. Powerless to do a damn thing. I know you think my feelings for you are mixed up with the feelings I had for Lena, but let me be very clear right here.” He moves closer to her, forcing her to look up at him, to listen to him. “Aside from thinking that this couldn’t possibly be happening again, I was only thinking about  _ you  _ yesterday. I was terrified of losing  _ you.  _ Terrified that what we were was over before we even got a true chance. I was worried about  _ you _ .” His hands cradle her face and his lips touch her forehead.

“Jay, I…”

“Lena was left handed.” He doesn’t acknowledge that she spoke. Just drops his hands and moves to lean against the counter. He just wants to get all this out while he can and then hopefully…hopefully they can start to rebuild what they had. 

“All the cup handles and drink containers in the fridge were all turned to the left because of that. It’s one of the first things I noticed when I came here. Your toothpaste is on the right side because you brush with your left...just like Lena.” 

For how physically different Hailey and Lena were, the similarities between them were crazy. Hair ties on the left wrist, warped jean pockets on the left side because that’s where they both kept keys and phones. Ink and graphite smears on the side of their left hands.

“I know you think I’m still in love with her or that you’re just some sort of replacement for her, but you’re wrong. I will always love her. I married her...I better have loved her, but she’s not who I’m  _ in love  _ with anymore.” He holds his breath as her eyes go round with surprise. It’s an admission of love without really being one, but he knows she got what he meant.

“It took me a long time to accept that I was even allowed to move on...to be happy without her. The guilt nearly killed me at the beginning. I’d push down how much I missed her, trying to forget about it because I knew it wasn’t fair to you, but the second you’d leave, it felt like I couldn’t breathe.” He didn’t want to forget about  _ Lena,  _ he just wanted to forget how much he missed her.

“Jay, I would never ask you to forget about her. It’s never even crossed my mind.” Her hand settles over his, fingers squeezing gently to get his attention. “If the good memories outweigh the bad ones, why  _ should  _ you forget?” All she’s ever wanted was for him to trust her enough to share that part of himself with her. 

“I’d get trapped in this cycle...You’d do something that would remind me of her and I’d miss her so much. Then I’d hate myself a little for missing her because you’re this...incredible person who...for whatever reason wants...wanted me, and you were right there, but I couldn’t stop missing her.”

“Wants.” When his brow raises with confusion, she explains. “You said ‘someone who wanted you.’ It’s not past tense, Jay. I want you. All of you. I was just waiting for you to accept that...to let me in.” Her head lays against his chest, sighing as his heartbeat drums in her ear.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I tried to keep that part hidden from you.” His chin rests on the top of her head as he holds her close to him. “I wasn’t looking for you. In fact, I was dead set on dismissing you as soon as Maura told me about you, but I went that night anyway.” 

Hailey feels him shift slightly and leans back when he tips her head up to meet his eyes.

“I don’t know if everything is fixed between us, Hailey. I don’t know if we can just pick up where we left off or not, but what I do know is that...you are the first thing in years that makes me feel alive and I’m...not ready to give that up just yet. I don’t want a break. We can take things as slow as you want to. Okay?” When she smiles up at him, he leans down and kisses her. 

They could make this work.

* * *

“Can you believe this is actually happening?” Jay looks at Will through the mirror reflection and continues to work on his tie. 

“I know. It seems crazy. You nervous?” Jay turns now, letting Will take over the knot. 

“Nah...I’m...so happy I actually have to force myself to not smile like psycho.” Will shows Jay the smile he is feeling and they both laugh because yeah...it’s a crazed look.

“It’s you who should be nervous…” Will hits Jay’s arm to get his attention again. “You and Hailey are next.” 

Jay’s fingers pause on the button of his jacket and he can actually feel some of the color drain from his face.  _ Next... _ He and Hailey have been doing really well. Marriage has not come up though. He hasn’t even told her he loves her yet. It’s only been four months since Hailey’s accident and the conversation they had. He’s fine with where they are. They aren’t in a hurry.

“I uh...was kidding, Jay. But only a little...You two are like you own little sappy romance movie.” He throws in a little humor because he’d seen Jay’s eyes go a little lost. 

“No, you’re uh, you’re right. We are headed there, just...not yet.” Jay brushes at the shoulders of Will’s jacket, removing any imaginary lint, and then his hands settle there for a moment. “It feels the same. What I feel for Hailey and what I felt for Lena...it’s the same. It just, I don’t know...It’s also...bigger, I guess. Even scarier this time. I thought Lena and I would be together forever and I loved her so much, but then she was gone.” His love for Hailey is bigger and stronger because of that. Losing Lena made him scared to love again, but now that he’s here, and he knows how quickly everything can change, he loves Hailey more...loves her a little harder, just in case something happened, there wouldn’t be a doubt in either of their minds that she was loved. 

“You love her?” Will moves to the door that will take them to the front of the church, to his future, looking over his shoulder at Jay.

“I...yeah...I fucking love her.” He apologizes while looking up because even though he’s not much of a religious guy, they are in a church. 

“Let’s do this.”

* * *

“Ugh...my feet are killing me.” Hailey leans her head back against the seat and stretches her legs, wiggling her toes with a groan. 

“Yeah? You looked like you were having a good time out there though.” Jay had danced some with Hailey, but mostly, he watched her. She hadn’t sat down unless it was required of the guests. Fast, slow...everything in between, Hailey had danced to it all.

“I had a  _ very  _ good time tonight.” Hailey lets out a low laugh and clumsily leans over to Jay. “But I think ‘m gonna make yours a whole lot better.” She places a sloppy kiss on his cheek before she settles back fully into her seat.

“Guess it’s a good thing we’ve got two hours of driving for you to sober up some.” She’d definitely enjoyed the champagne that was served, but Jay doesn’t mind. 

“Shut up, Jay.” She gives him a lopsided grin and then promptly passes out, oblivious to Jay’s chuckles.

When they finally get to Jay’s cabin, it’s nearly one in the morning. Hailey had slept the entire time. He takes their bags inside first and then returns for her. He’d left the truck running because it’s freezing out and he wonders how she still didn’t wake up when his door shut a second time. A nudge and a quiet whisper of her name also have no effect on her so he just unbuckles her to slide his hands behind her back and under her knees.

“Mmmm.” Jay laughs softly at Hailey as she groans and mumbles something into his shoulder.

“Bed or shower?” He starts towards the shower before she even answers because he knows her and she refuses to sleep in a bed unless she has washed the day off her. He gets to sleep with the fresh scent of her shampoo drifting into his nose all night so he’s definitely not complaining. 

“Might need your help.” She’s slowly waking up now and while she’s very much looking forward to showering so she can go to sleep, she’s also not sure if she can stay upright the entire time. 

“Yeah, yeah...just another excuse to get me naked. You’re incorrigible Hailey Upton.” He grins at her as he sets her on the bathroom sink, telling her to stay put.

More than once during the shower, Hailey catches Jay just staring at her. He plays it off when she questions him though. She’s too tired and still a little drunk to be worried about it right now. She doesn’t even think she can make good on her earlier promise.

Her whole body melts into the mattress when she lays down minutes later. She’s got one of Jay’s sweatshirts on and her hair is pulled into a surprisingly neat braid courtesy of Jay. Two months ago, she’d tweaked her wrist chasing down a suspect and she hadn’t been able to braid her hair by herself. Jay had watched her struggle with an odd look on his face. She’s seen it before and it was usually followed by a memory of Lena. This time was no different. After her third failed attempt, he’d finally offered to do it for her.

“I uh...used to play with Lena’s hair. I can do a simple braid.” She’d just given him a soft smile and a slight nod, watching in the mirror as he got to work. He was done less than 5 minutes later and with his hands on her shoulder, he’d caught her gaze in the mirror.

“Perfect.” He’d placed a kiss on top of her head and that was that. He braids her hair a lot now. A part of his past now, part of their present. It’s nice, which is weird to think, but she soaks up every little memory he shares with her. Lena was a huge part of his life, and she wants to know who he was with her.

She smiles now, burrowing deeper into the blankets as Jay settles next to her. Any second now he’s going to reach out and pull her close to him. She’ll throw her arm around his waist and place a kiss on his chest.  _ Any second now… _

“Hailey…” Jay’s quiet whisper has her eyes opening. Hailey blinks a few times and in the moonlight, she can just make out that he’s staring at her...again.

“I’m serious...you need to stop doing that. The staring…” 

“You’re my best friend.” Jay reaches out, fingers lightly brushing against her cheek.

“Jay?” Her heart skips a beat and searches blindly for his hand, squeezing it tightly. She knows what he’s saying. Even if he never says the words, she’d know. He loves her. 

He  _ loves  _ her _. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
